January 2, 2009

Capricorn: Dec 22 to Jan 20
It's bloody freezing out there. If you're old, you're probably going to die from pneumonia.

Famous birthday: Unicyclist and failed mime artist Johnnie "Johnnie Flash" Flash, Jan 22. Sadly missed.

Aquarius: Jan 21 to Feb 19
Don't stand in front of a moving bus *wink*.

Moonstone: White dog shit (because you really don't see much of that anymore these days).

Pisces: Feb 20 to March 20
If your name's Mary, you live in Leytonstone, and you once drank milk, whatever you do, don't eat fish.

Lovelines: Expect the herpes to flare up.

Aries: Mar 21 to Apr 20
Your old man's a dustman? I bet he wears a dustman's hat. He'll also wear cor blimey trousers, and live in a council flat.

Money matters: Fucked as always, mate.

Taurus: Apr 21 to May 21
Put that brown envelope on top of the fridge and forget about it. It's only the results.

Prospects: Grasp the nettle - they're crying out for toilet cleaners in Mumbai.

Gemini: May 22 to Jun 22
I'm not talking to you, you two-faced cunt.

Favourite food: Bitters.

Cancer: Jun 23 to Jul 23
I'm afraid so.

Lifelines: I just need to take this phone call...

Leo: Jul 24 to Aug 23
You're gorgeous. (Actually, I'm lyin'. Geddit? Lion? Leo? Lion? Leo? Oh, whatever...)

Pets: No, your tortoise is not still "hibernating".

Virgo: Aug 24 to Sep 23
"Ne'er a lender nor a borrower be," they say. Largely because you've got a shit credit rating.

Holiday hopes: A "hotel from hell" soon to appear on Watchdog.

Libra: Sept 24 to Oct 23
No no, no no no no, no no no no, no no there's no limits.

Famous birthday: Mrs Miggins, from Mrs Miggins Pie Shop, Chelmsford. Cracking mince and onion deep-fill dishes. Oct 13.

Scorpio: Oct 24 to Nov 22
Congratulations, Barack, on coming out.

Weather watch: Hurricane Osama.

Sagittarius: Nov 23 to Dec 21
It's X Factor final month, so well done - thoroughly dumped, you're finally an ex.

Presents prediction: You'll get the sack.