November 4, 2008

"Juddy," said Eggbod's mum. "Juddy! I have terrible trouble with my ears. Terrible. Do you?"

Not bleedin' half, I think. But that's another story.

And so begins another day at work...

*

It had been drawn to my attention that a blogger of this virtual parish, whose mum lives in my actual parish, but who herself tends to spend her time fighting the good fight among the other post-summer, mid-autumn, pre-winter Harvey Nicks sales gladiators, needed some assistance.

The why? is here.

Could I help? she asked.

*

Once upon a time, I was backstage at what is now known as "old" Wembley following a Rolling Stones concert, hanging with all the dudes that go with that.

Another time, Arnie of the Schwarz mumbled some incoherent nonsense in front of me in Planet Hollywood.

I have slipped out of the front door of Downing Street with just the wriest of smiles; nudged the bumper of an arse-exploding Tory MP as he sped away from me down the M4; found the first ever UK lottery winner by cheerfully casting my socks off in a Blackburn mosque and asking: "A grand to whoever tells me where he is?"

Scary stuff.

But not as scary as Dame Eggbod.

*

"I like my veg," said Dame Eggbod. "Do you, Juddy? I do. Lovely. A nice bit of veg. All I wanted was some nice veg. And I'd left my hat on, Juddy. Left it on. Nice and warm around the ears. Terrible trouble with them. Terrible. I'm a bit deaf, too, Juddy."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It is a nice hat. Keeps the ears warm..."

*

This afternoon, *that* shop said:

"Al*i take all complaints very seriously and we have spoken to Dame Eggbod about this unfortunate incident and apologise unreservedly for any upset caused.

"Al*i use an external company for security purposes and this matter has been taken up with them to ensure it does not happen again.

"We have invited Dame Eggbod back into store to meet with Failedis Olevels, the area manager, and enjoy a positive shopping experience."

*

And that's where she will be, in an hour, on a trolley dash for all the free faggots and frozen midget gems she can get.

I love it when a plan comes together.