September 13, 2008

There I am, a few moments ago, casually flicking through the small classified adverts section at the back of the satirical current affairs magazine, Private Eye.

I do this because I'm fascinated by the "Eye Need" section, where people leave truthful or otherwise reasons for desperately needing money - the amounts vary from plea to plea - followed by account numbers and sorting codes should any wealthy and disturbingly trusting philanthropist happen to be reading that day.

Not that I haven't thought of posting an ad there myself at times, mind, but I digress...

Also in the ads section is "Eye Contact", where the sort of contact messages you used to see in 1980s films appear, like this one: "ELIZABETH FAY: please call Terry Howard on 020 7793 1781." Yes, with the phone number, too.

In among the various "Eye..." subsections, you can hire a man to de-bug your offices, spy on a spouse, swap your London flat for a Portugese hillside villa, organise rehab, get a speech written, buy into a pirate radio franchise in South Africa, purchase yourself a lord or ladyship - or help a nutcase get freed from Broadmoor.

Yes - read that last one again.

Under "Eye Say" was the following:

"ATTEMPTED KIDNAPPING of Princess Anne, 1975. Startling revelations about this event. www.ianball.me.uk"

Go on, click it. You know you want to.