June 10, 2008

The insipidly smug Children's Secretary, the toad-eyed Ed Balls, a man whose beefburger patty-like palms surely leave grease marks on whatever they've smeared themselves across that day - and I'm not suggesting for a moment things like gravestones, mortuary slabs, or well-thumbed faded paperbacks containing sinister, punishment-based Victorian porn - has come up with a new ruse to further plunge the crumbling Labour party into political oblivion.

Despite 11 years in charge of this country, and having started out with priorities of "education, education, education", "Schoolboy's" Balls and his party has recognised that there are 638 schools in the UK so shit that more than 70% of the kids leaving them have a poor or zero number of GCSEs, with an appalling too many of those unable even to read or write properly.

Of course, this is not the fault of the Government and its constant interference and relentless fascination with targets. It is, of course, the fault of the schools - presumably for not recognising, embracing and implementing the over-arching New Labour vision that, well, they're right about everything even though "everything" they've touched lately has turned to dust.

From today, if these identified schools haven't come up with a "masterplan" for how to improve (and pardon me? Wasn't that Ed's job right up until he realised he might get the blame for it going tits up?) within just 50 days, they will either be closed or placed under the control of private businesses, who, you know, clearly know loads about running schools.

So, even with my famed lack of all things arithmetic, let's do a little mathematics here.

Eleven years for the party of "education, education, education" to systemically fail a generation of children with its back-to-front unworkable targets and mission statements, frequently flying in the face of just about every professional education body, compared to just 50 days for the schools to sort themselves out of the mess that New Labour got them into in the first place.

Brilliant.

They've just denied soldiers fighting to their deaths in a war neither they nor their Government understands a pay rise (while demanding extra cash themselves to pay for their nannies and secret mistresses.)

They've just pissed off the police by reneging on an agreed pay deal (while demanding extra cash themselves etc etc).

They're just about to piss off their other traditional support body, the teaching profession - again (while demanding etc etc etc etc etc).

A stunning if long-drawn out exercise, then, in political suicide.

I just don't understand why they can't apply this 50-day tactic in other areas, however.

Brooon and Schoolboy's Balls have had 11 years assisting in the buggering up of this country. How about 50 more days for them to either shape up or ship out?

* LATE BREAKING NEWS JUST IN: Just watched Brooon on the telly. Was it just me, or did he have two greasy palm prints on his shoulder blades?