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Archives for: June 2008

Net Freak

by Juzzzy @ Monday, Jun. 30, 2008 - 09:58:34 pm

June 30, 2008

Well, God knows it's hard not to hate some Scots at the moment, but the one single saving grace Andy Murray possesses is that he was playing a Frenchman. And they're obviously much worse.

Breaking textual news message just in from Lady Bloody Eggbod, however:

"Wot (sic) a fuck (sic) hot shot of a game! Im (sic) talkin (sic) tennis, & (sic) im (sic) off 2 (sic) the semis on friday (sic)- yee-hah!"

So she can't spell, but she's still going to Wimbledon.

Mutton dressed as lamb, I'm telling you. Bet she robs an ashtray.

Word Of The Day

by Juzzzy @ Monday, Jun. 30, 2008 - 08:26:10 pm

June 30, 2008

Gardeviance, noun
(Recorded usage between 1459 and 1706)
Chest for valuables; a travelling trunk

"So what else is it called?" asked Nipper.

"A bra," said Zeds.

Stolen From Everyone Except Paddy, Who Stole It Himself

by Juzzzy @ Sunday, Jun. 29, 2008 - 09:18:16 pm

June 29, 2008

You may ask me three questions and I shall try to answer them. Things that you would like to know about me or my life, my past my future, what makes me tick, what makes me sick. From the mundane to the serious - fire away and I will endeavour to answer for you... but I make no promises!

Well, that's me, then.

In The Hat

by Juzzzy @ Sunday, Jun. 29, 2008 - 06:17:37 pm

June 29, 2008

And you're lying if you say you've never been there.

cat

More.

My Heart Bleeds

by Juzzzy @ Saturday, Jun. 28, 2008 - 10:30:49 am

June 28, 2008

Like you and I, the rising cost of living affects every corner of this septic isle.

Poor Liz, eh?

Bummer.

Big Bird Is Dead!

by Juzzzy @ Friday, Jun. 27, 2008 - 12:06:12 pm

June 27, 2008

He turned Sesame Street into the legend it is, and gave everyone's favourite frog its name.

RIP, Kermit Love.

Like Peaches And Cream

by Juzzzy @ Thursday, Jun. 26, 2008 - 09:07:35 pm

June 26, 2008

Add

edballs

To Rapidly Moving

baseballbat

For Total Satisfaction.

Man Of The World

by Juzzzy @ Thursday, Jun. 26, 2008 - 08:46:05 pm

June 26, 2008

It's half time between Russia and Spain, and she's just broken out the Haagen Dazs strawberry cheesecake ice cream.

She feeds herself a scoopful, looks a little puzzled, then turns to me.

"I want you to explain something to me," she says, "you know, you being a man of the world and all that."

I adopt my sincere face - the one you use when preparing to be effortlessly impressive.

"Yes?" says I, allowing my eyes to glance above the rim of my rather ace spectacles.

"What date is it today? June 26, right? So why is it dead rainy and cold?"

Hear, Hear

by Juzzzy @ Thursday, Jun. 26, 2008 - 01:11:17 pm

June 26, 2008

Yes, yes, very interesting...

But...

Back to me.

Two Things Bugging Me Today

by Juzzzy @ Wednesday, Jun. 25, 2008 - 02:11:10 pm

June 25, 2008

A message on Facebook chat:

"Hey what u up 2? It's pissing it down here, thunder and lightning with power cuts, scary now I live on the beach" - my friend, Laura, on the terrible trials and tribulations of being a lady of leisure on beautiful Koh Samui, Thailand.

And my colleague in work:

"Hey! Today is exactly six months until Christmas!"

Argh!

Tall Storey

by Juzzzy @ Wednesday, Jun. 25, 2008 - 10:32:28 am

June 25, 2008


Word Of The Day

by Juzzzy @ Wednesday, Jun. 25, 2008 - 10:19:43 am

June 25, 2008

Macrotia, noun
Largeness of ears

A beam spread across the buzzard's face, but as his beak began to open, Zeds cut him short.

"Don't even think about it," he said.

Love Is?

by Juzzzy @ Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2008 - 07:08:08 pm

June 24, 2008

loveis

Or, is it:

"That is the unfittest Diet Coke man I have ever seen. He looks like you with a bit of weight on."

Or, perusing an internet report on tree frogs, as said tree frog appears on screen holding its clammy hands on some glass while a scientist tries to pry him off:

"Ha! That's you!"

Or, moments later, when said scientist is filmed explaining things about said frog:

"Mmmm. He could give me some frog spawn."

And then, to add insult to injury, I've protested: "Hang on - I thought I looked like a monkey?"

[Snigger] "Oops."

Word Of The Day

by Juzzzy @ Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2008 - 11:07:09 am

June 24, 2008

Repine, verb
To feel or express discontent; to long for something

"Findus Crispy Pancakes okay for you?" asked Nipper.

"Mince and onion ones?"

"The very same."

"Kwoarr. I thought you'd never ask."

The Delightful Terror Of Perilously Thin Ice

by Juzzzy @ Monday, Jun. 23, 2008 - 09:34:30 pm

June 23, 2008

ps

Rrrrrrrrrrr.... ;)

And So To Lunch

by Juzzzy @ Sunday, Jun. 22, 2008 - 08:04:41 pm

June 22, 2008

In the city of...

livpool

In this very restaurant...

rbgrill

Where Mr Dunn ordered the special...

meal1

Which, for the gastro-oafs amongst you, was Thai-spiced fillet of seabass baked in banana leaf, served with fluffy rice, lime wedges, a spoon of sweet dipping sauce, and a side dish of delicate pak choi in chilli, garlic and spring onion, and unwrapped looked like this...

meal2

And I only dropped my fork once.

Ree-zult.

* BREAKING supper news just in: Homemade chips for tea. And Chewits. More later...

She's Making Me Go Shopping...

by Juzzzy @ Sunday, Jun. 22, 2008 - 11:15:15 am

June 22, 2008

...but I might just go and look at this instead.

art

Why I'll Stick To Battery Hen Eggs In Future

by Juzzzy @ Saturday, Jun. 21, 2008 - 02:58:18 pm

June 21, 2008

egg

Blurgh.

Rejoice And Dance Naked...

by Juzzzy @ Saturday, Jun. 21, 2008 - 12:09:08 pm

June 21, 2008

...because from today onwards, fact fans, the evenings start bloody well drawing in again like the utter northern hemispherical bastards that they are.

summersolstice

Sums It Up

by Juzzzy @ Saturday, Jun. 21, 2008 - 11:39:15 am

June 21, 2008

school

From Private Eye

So, Where Are You Going Next Year?

by Juzzzy @ Saturday, Jun. 21, 2008 - 10:39:36 am

June 21, 2008

He's finally completed it. Just... brilliant.


Max Power

by Juzzzy @ Saturday, Jun. 21, 2008 - 10:06:07 am

June 21, 2008

mosley

From Private Eye.

How Newspapers Work

by Juzzzy @ Saturday, Jun. 21, 2008 - 09:59:18 am

June 21, 2008

From the latest edition of Private Eye's [Fleet] Street Of Shame:

"A VOW to curb teenage drinkers was exposed as a sham yesterday with figures showing kids go unpunished," declared the Mirror last Saturday. "In the past three years, only 34 children have been prosecuted for buying booze. And just seven landlords got the top £1,000 fine for selling booze to underage drinkers."

Curiously, the paper overlooked another glaring example of the law going easy on an adult who supplied booze to children. Just one day previously, a 28-year-old journalist from the South West News Agency had accepted a caution from Avon and Somerset Police for giving cider and alcopops to a group of 16-year-olds in Bristol, so they could pose for a series of photographs intended to illustrate an article on underage drinking for... the Mirror!

The hapless hack told the youngsters they were welcome to keep the booze when the shoot was finished - and several went on to be involved later that night in what police describe as "a serious disorder incident" which resulted in a teenager being left in a coma for several weeks.

* JD of this very World, a Mirror reporter a million years ago, also once appeared in Private Eye described as "hapless". Can't imagine why.

Word Of The Day

by Juzzzy @ Friday, Jun. 20, 2008 - 11:21:31 am

June 20, 2008

Renascent, adj
Springing or rising again into being; showing renewed vigour

"Wow," said Nipper. "Impressive."

"I know. I've been eating a lot of salad lately."

Extreme Sports

by Juzzzy @ Thursday, Jun. 19, 2008 - 04:52:32 pm

June 19, 2008

Apologies if I'm the last person in the world to see this on YouTube/Facebook. Thanks to MessyJessy for sending it.


Inside The Sunday Sport Newsroom

by Juzzzy @ Thursday, Jun. 19, 2008 - 02:38:00 pm

June 19, 2008

My old colleague Andy Pacino of www.andypacino.com - (go to his site to see how he once wound his Manchester neighbours up - v amusing) - made this, fortunately long after I left...


The Perfect Cheese Sandwich? Or PR Guff?

by Juzzzy @ Thursday, Jun. 19, 2008 - 11:22:59 am

June 19, 2008

A press release arrives...

Embargoed: 00:01HRS Friday 20th June 2008*

West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers develop breakthrough formula for the perfect cheese sandwich

The cheese sandwich - in all its guises - has long been a British favourite**. Now, thanks to Bristol University taste experts, West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers and the power of the internet, the quest for the perfect cheese sandwich is finally at an end.

The co-operative of farmers who produce authentic handmade Cheddar, in conjunction with the sensory analysis team at Bristol University, have uncovered a mathematical formula which reveals the perfect thickness of a slice of farmhouse Cheddar when used in conjunction with bread and popular accompaniments.

The formula, which includes nine algebraic variables, has been used to create an online calculator at http://www.cheddarometer.com

The calculator enables the world’s cheese lovers and caterers to specify their choice of fillings and then works out the optimum quantities of each ingredient required to complement the complex flavour of the farmhouse Cheddar.

The formula is:

W=[1+(bd)–s+(m-2c)+(v+p]100+/
6.5 2 7t 100

where W equals the thickness of Cheddar in millimetres, b the thickness of bread, d the dough flavour modifier, s the thickness of margarine or butter, m the thickness of mayonnaise, c the creaminess modifier, v the thickness of tomato, p the depth of pickle and l the thickness of the lettuce layer.

The formula is the result of research conducted by senior research fellow Geoff Nute* and colleagues at the university’s Sensory & Consumer Group in the Division of Farm Animal Science**. Using human assessors and complex technological measuring devices, Geoff’s team has successfully ‘mapped’ the flavour profile of hundreds of samples of Cheddar.

Geoff explains: “We used specially trained human taste testers to sample a range of Cheddar cheeses in a carefully controlled environment and combined results from these tests with instrumental data obtained using colorometers and pressure sensors to obtain precise measurements of variants such as yellowness, crumbliness, creaminess and tanginess.

“The results of our research have been extrapolated to produce a formula which takes into account modifying characteristics of individual cheeses and the ratio of popular fillings and achieves a mathematical balance of flavours in order to gauge the correct thickness of the Cheddar.”

Philip Crawford, chairman of the West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers group, adds: “We are very proud of our authentic farmhouse Cheddar which we make by hand on our farms using only milk from our own cows. This means each variety of West Country Farmhouse Cheddar has a unique character and we were fascinated to know which combinations of sandwich fillings work best with each cheese. Collaborating with Mr Nute and his team we have managed to create the Cheddarometer and reveal the blueprint to everyone’s perfect cheese sandwich.”

The West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers group is committed to educating the food loving public on all aspects of making, choosing and enjoying authentic handmade Cheddar. Last year it turned a traditional round of Cheddar into an internet sensation by attracting 1.8million visitors to www.cheddarvision.tv to watch the cheese mature live on the web over the course of 12 months.

Ends

* Oops. I broke the embargo. I hope they don't send me to prison.

** According to a 2006 survey by the British Sandwich Association (British Sandwich Industry Fact File November 2006 http://www.sandwich.org.uk/premium/viewtopic.php?t=65&sid=6a717fd7cbbd65d7275dc78df3bee391) five of the top 20 most popular sandwich fillings (purchased commercially) include cheese:

1. Chicken Salad
2. Egg and Cress
3. Chicken and bacon
4. Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato
5. Mixed selection
6. Cheese & Onion
7. Prawn Mayonnaise
8. Ploughmans
9. Tuna & Sweetcorn
10. Chicken
11. Chicken Caesar
12. Chicken & Stuffing
13. Salmon & Cucumber
14. Cheese & Ham
15. Cheese, Ham & Pickle
16. Egg & Bacon
17. Tuna & Cucumber
18. Hoisin Duck
19. Ham & Mustard
20. Cheese & Tomato

The top 10 homemade sandwiches fillings are:

1. Cold Meat
2. Hard Cheese
3. Ham
4. Canned Fish
5. Bacon
6. Sweet Spread
7. Tuna
8. Egg
9. Corned Beef
10. Sausage

British households consume approximately 9,640 tonnes of cheese in the form of sandwich fillings every year.

The average Brit consumes almost 200 rounds of sandwiches per year

*** Geoff Nute is a Senior Research Fellow in Food Animal Science in The Division of Farm Animal Science within the Department of Clinical Veterinary Science at Bristol University. He is in charge of Sensory Analysis and Consumer Group at Langford near Bristol.

DID YOU KNOW?

Cheese can only be called West Country Farmhouse Cheddar IF:

1) It is made using milk from local herds reared and milked in the counties of Somerset, Dorset, Devon or Cornwall. This ensures that the cheese has a particular texture and flavour.

2) And of course, real Cheddar made to PDO guidelines contains no colouring, no flavouring and no preservatives.

3) It is made and cut in these same four counties to traditional methods. These methods include the cheese being made by hand. Once the whey has been drained off the curd is repeatedly turned by hand to ensure that all the moisture is drained away - the famous process known as ‘cheddaring’.

4) The cheese must be made and matured on the farm and must be aged for at least 9 months. Authentic farmhouse Cheddar doesn’t leave the farm from the moment the milk arrives from the parlour until it’s ready to cut and pack. This means the Cheddar remains in the care of the farmer who can ensure that it is produced and stored to the very highest standards required of a premium cheese.

Well Paid Failure In A Tuxedo At A Billionaire's Dinner Orders You To Never Mind The Rising Bills, Just Don't Ask For More

by Juzzzy @ Wednesday, Jun. 18, 2008 - 11:25:37 pm

June 18, 2008

darling

The horrific reality that is the so-called Labour Party.