May 31, 2008

Spooky.

May 31, 2008

So, King Kong meets Godzilla, meets an episode of Lost.

Good film, nice premise, cute actors, good script, great camerawork, nice monster, horrible bitey monster offspring.

But.

What was it?

Where did it come from?

Was it eventually killed?

What does "Cloverfield" actually mean (other than a large filed that is now in clover, once upon a time known as Manhattan)?

And what happened to the Japanese product place thing that was all over the net but didn't appear in the film?

And did Rob's dead brother's girlfriend (who was fitter than Rob's soon-to-die in explosion missus anyway) live?

Bloody JJ Abrams.

When's the sequel?

May 31, 2008

Another kick to Mr Brown's battered balls in The Times today. Click on the article to get the whole thing.

The country’s most successful police force is leading a revolt against Home Office targets that it says stifle officers with form-filling bureaucracy.

A child who accidentally damages a neighbour’s greenhouse with his football is now more likely to be given a telling-off than a conviction for criminal damage.

May 31, 2008

Belonephilia, noun
Sexual obsession with sharp objects

"You.... what?" screeched the unkempt buzzard, hiding his slightly wonky beak behind a crumpled wing.

"Yes... it's got teeth. It. Has. Got. Teeth," exclaimed Zeds, hand gestures aplenty.

"But. But. But. That's just wrong. And scary."

"Exactly! I mean... urgh."

"And.. urm.. you say they've put the footage on YouTube dot web?" enquired Nipper, now peering out from the cover of his crumpled wing.

"Yes, you dirty bastard. It's here."

May 30, 2008

They did it, then - last night, live on Channel 4.

This reminds me, actually, that it is my brother Tim's 41st birthday today. He is the brother who hasn't jumped out of a plane.

HarHAR!

May 30, 2008

Amazing. And even more amazing is how stupid the Daily Mail (and others, and me in blogging it, in fairness) are in blowing their cover.

Still - don't shoot the messenger, and all that.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1022822/Incredible-pictures-Earths-uncontacted-tribes-firing-bows-arrows.html

May 30, 2008

Deipnosophist, noun
A skillful dinner conversationalist

"Zeds?"

"Ffffub?"

"You might want to take your face out of the soup."

"Furub."

"Just a thought."

May 30, 2008

Yesterday - as in pre-midnight, for it has taken that long to balm the brainstorm that has afflicted me for the last eight sodding hours - I made, in the absence of Redleader, an ill-timed executive decision to work "in the field" from 4pm, and thus was forced to take a further such decision by way of choosing a mode of the non-miracle that is public transport.

So, off I slipped, official-looking pamphlets, newspapers and laptop in hand, shades a-perched, a cheeky squirt of Clinique Happy to ward off the plebs, and a copy of The Times.

A quick clip-clop across Hamilton Square in the most worn-out heels I have ever owned - bastards - and then there I am, gent du jour - purchasing a ticket to get me the fuck out of the hell hole that is Berk In Shed and back to the Seaside Of Loveliness Before I Moved There that is Hoylake.

I purchase a ticket, amid a bustle of The Poor.

Cur-lurk. Ick. Ooh! The machine lets me through!

Lift, elevators.... steps...

A QUEUE!

For the fucking train!

Now, hail: I do not live in That Fancy London. There are no rats on the line (apart from dead Scousers, and, frankly, fuck them) and nor are there Fancy Londoners trying to kill themselves in credit crunch fashion.

No.

No, nooo.

This is the hideously named Merseyrail in full effect, having worked out some rather sensible and very astute facts, fact fans:

FACT ONE: They really are cunts.

FACT TWO: See above.

FACT THREE: I refer to Fact One.

FACT FOUR: Ah. Get on with it now?

FACT FIVE: But still? It's worth saying, isn't it? Don't you think? Again?

FACT SIX: Liverpool One, for the majestic majority of this doomed nation that fails to read the less-than-bog-standard idiocy that is the Liverpool Echo, is a new shopping mall - albeit a very, very big one, with a huuuuuge Zara AND a Zara home, according to someone I love almost to pieces but will clearly never understand - opened today/yesterday/whatever. For the first time.

FACT SEVEN: It's half term. They forgot that, too.

FACT EIGHT: People go to and from home and work every day. It's called commerce.

FACT NINE: Great day for "line" works. Meaning two six-car trains every five minutes are now reduced to ................. ONE three-car every fifteen. Brilliant. You cunts.

FACT TEN: Mr Dunn does *not* like being semi-bummed by chavs on trains.

FACT ELEVEN: But he does like them getting chucked off trains by much braver people than he.

FACT TWELVE: The nice bit in Fact Six still very much stands. So there.

FACT THIRTEEN: If I don't sleep this weekend - and that seems likely, seeing as I am editing this at 08.03 having not had a fucking wink all night - it is because I haven't yet murdered someone in a tracksuit.

x

May 29, 2008

I refer the honourable gentlemen to my earlier remarks (qv) on the Wee Hose.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7425180.stm

May 29, 2008

Is someone slicing onions?

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1221513.ece

May 29, 2008

The economic slump has left us all paying more for petrol, food, mortgages and Joey Barton.

The footballing thug remains in the employ of Newcastle United, the club sponsored by Northern Rock.

This, of course, is the bank bailed out with taxpayers' cash, which means we all indirectly contribute to Barton's £65,000-a-week wages.

And now Barton is behind bars after battering a 16-year-old boy in a drunken rage, it turns out we are paying for the roof over his head too, at a cost estimated at around £2,000 a week.

A delightful thought as you consider selling a kidney just to fill up the car.

Des Kelly, sports columnist

May 29, 2008

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/may/29/advertising.channel4

May 29, 2008

Isinglass, noun
Substance obtained from the swimbladders of fish (especially Beluga sturgeon). Used mainly for the clarification of wine and beer, it is a form of collagen

"Isinglass?" said Nipper, shaking his beak disapprovingly.

"What is?" queried Zeds.

"Is in glass!"

"What's in the glass?"

"Isinglass is in the glass."

"What the deuce are you on about, you strange little feathered creature?"

"Ignore me - I'm just wining."

May 28, 2008

Just brilliant.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1022343/You-weakest-WAG-Footballers-girls-appearance-The-Weakest-Link-makes-mind-boggle.html

May 28, 2008

Nippitatum, noun
Exceptionally good and strong ale

"Nipper? Are you drunk?"

"Yesh."

May 27, 2008

May 27, 2008

One is an ugly, grumpy ogre foisted upon a kingdom as its leader, with an affected rictus grin sitting uncomfortably atop a broadened jaw, despised and distrusted by his subjects.

The other is Shrek.

May 27, 2008

Littlejohn gets it absolutely spot on about MPs again.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1022032/LITTLEJOHN-Whats-difference-MPs-expenses-stealing.html

May 27, 2008

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7421641.stm

Ah, bugger.

May 27, 2008

Frontogenesis, noun
Creation of a weather front by meeting of air currents

"So, let me get this straight," enquired Nipper, smiling smugly despite dampened feathers. "As soon as you played that CD it started raining, and it rained all night?"

"Yes. And before you start, no, I didn't feel it coming in the air tonight, last night, whatever," snapped an exasperated Zeds.

"No, no, I wasn't even going make that little pun, I was just wondering why you're still going in to work in your man sandals?"

May 26, 2008

Right, that's it.

Tomorrow, you will find me striding purposefully towards the men's grooming counter at Boots, rapping my impatient knuckles onto the glass in a rat-a-tat-tat stylee, and inquiring of the overly made-up serving wench with the curious mole (because you have to have one to get a job in Boots. The same goes for John Lewis, too, for fans of facts everywhere. See also: British Airways cabin crew): "You. Yes you, woman. I require a bottle of Sir Paul Fab Macca Thumbs Aloft McCartney Chestnut Hair Juice, and I require it now."

This is as a result of a conversation I have just been having via the miracle that is the otherwise wondrous Gweb.

"It's not grey all over," came the remark about my alpha male mane, which cheered me up no end.

"It's more like swooshes."

Swooshes.

As in

"Yeah. They're like go faster stripes."

So, great.

Prepare the bunting, barman, and ready yourself for a feast.

For I now have hair like Captain Fucking Fantastic.

May 26, 2008

Probably not for when the kids are up...

May 26, 2008

More here.

May 26, 2008

Spookily, geekily cool.

Full story.

May 26, 2008

Typhlophile, noun
One who is kind to the blind

"You did fucking what with my emergency fiver?" screeched Zeds, his face reddened with rage.

"Umm... Oh, come on.. It's charrriddeee," squawked the bird, desperately.

"Fuck that! They'll probably think it's bastard loo roll, you absolute arse."

May 25, 2008

Peotillomania, noun
Abnormal compulsion for pulling on the penis

Zeds was wearing a look of abject astonishment. "You shouted what at Mr Brown?"

"Well," said Nipper, a little sheepishly, "he is a wanker, isn't he?"

"Then at least tell me you managed to shit on his wobbly jaw."

"Sorry, mate. Missed."

May 24, 2008

The French hate the English, and vice versa.

I will pass no comment on that, other than to pass on to you the utter joy that is the French entry into the 2008 shitefest that is Eurovision:

Merde!

* He''l probably win, though.

May 24, 2008

Vaginismus, noun
Painful contraction of the vagina

"Please - just one more," pleaded Nipper, clenching his feathered fists as he jumped up and down with frustration.

"No," said Zeds. "Buy your own bloody Haribo."

"Bah," squawked the buzzard. "You really are a tight twat at times."