April 22, 2008

THANKS, Jenny. And in other, late, breaking news, we bring you the latest installment in Our World Has Gone Mad series.

Bus driver Gareth Corkhill has been fined £210, given a criminal record, and forced to pay a further £15 surcharge to "victim support" (in a case where there was no "victim") for which heinous crime?

Beeping his horn after midnight?

No. Worse.

Exposing himself?

Worse.

Poisoning a reservoir?

Worse.

Eating a royal child?

Worse worse worse.

Yes that's right, folks. Master criminal Gareth was finally brought to book for having his wheelie bin - emptied, of course, just once a fortnight in these enlightened days of recycling hysteria - so full the lid was about four inches ajar.

The ridiculous fine, which amounts to a week's wages, came after he declined to pay an on-the-spot fine imposed by the local council's bin police - who visited him wearing stab-proof vests.

Compare that with the typical on-the-spot fine of £80 given to shoplifters - even repeat offenders.

He now has a criminal record - convicted in his absence of "over-filling the receptacle used to dispose of waste" - which he will have to disclose if he applies for a job, credit or a mortgage over the next five years.

He will also have to reveal his crime if he applies for a job in the NHS, working with children, in a bank, or as a security guard.

The council, for their part, deny his bin was only four inches ajar, insisting it was "more like seven inches".

I bet that spokesman's a right fucking riot at a party, eh?

The council where I live, while bleating that it will never fine someone for accidentally "contaminating" a bin, only those deemed "persistent offenders" - for the love of sweet baby Jesus - conveniently skips over the bit of information that in the 12 months up to April last year, nearly 44,000 people were fined nationwide because they failed to close bin lids, put their rubbish out on the wrong day, or left extra black bags alongside their bins.

Save the world if you want to. Fuck a penguin if that's your bag.

But wake up and smell the ethnically sound coffee:

The recycling lunatics are taking over the world.

And they really, really need to be stopped.

And now the weather. Excellent - it's really sunny.......