April 14, 2008
The picture that came with the press release shows our local Euro MP - a Liberal Democrat, for fans of facts, but whom I'm not going to name because he'd love the exposure (on the grounds he rarely gets any from me*) - standing outside what appears to be the closed front door of a convenience store.
His face, you'll no doubt be staggered to learn, is set rigid with concerned sincerity. His expression boldly declares: "I acknowledge your pain; I share your pain. I am a fucking pain."
The press release itself is a mere entire side of A4, and it begins thus: "Wirral shops should keep their doors shut in a bid to save money and the environment, claims a local Euro MP, who perhaps ought to have his head severely examined.
"Increasing numbers of retailers leave their entrances wide open to attract customers while turning up their heating to keep the store warm, 'and why the fuck not, it makes life easier for bag-laden customers and shivering staff, you cock,' I hear you quite reasonably cry .
"Estimates that I've either plucked from nowhere or gullibly accepted from not even a very good lobby group suggest that shops waste around £300 million each year because their doors are left open. Many could slash their energy bills by 20 to 25 per cent though I cannot justify this ludicrous figure with any facts whatsoever, mind, and nor shall I attempt to if they closed them.
"The excess use of energy is also contributing to climate change - and this is where I'm about to take hyperbole and strap it to a Saturn-bound rocket - but could be solved by simply shutting the door and keeping the heat in."
Hear that, polar bears? If only those selfish cunts running open-all-hours corner shops the length and breadth of Britain would shut their doors, you'd still have a glacier on which to eat your cute furry kids off.
It continues:
"Wirral Euro MP Dee Luded** has written to high street retailers although if you don't mind, I'd rather not say how many, like asking them to close their doors.
"He said: 'I have heard in my own head both shop staff and customers complaining that Euro MPs are a complete waste of fucking time on windy days about icy air whistling in through open doors. The policy is madness - and boy do I recognise madness, Hardy - and I hope retailers will wake up to the waste.
"'Open doors are intended to entice customers to step inside as against to pass through a portal to a wondrous second dimension where elephants are yellow and everyone is called Flash, except me, that is, who will be known as Demopripod Of The Heavenly Skies. But with the United Nations predicting or making it up, depending on how you care to phrase it that billions will suffer from the effects of global warming it is morally indefensible to waste energy in this way'."
Hear that, Ahmed? Shut your Londis door now, or, alternatively, accept the blood on your hands of the children of the Sudan who will wither away and die, DIE, and then get eaten by their own bison, and all because of you, you greedy open-door policy murdering cunt.
The press release ends:
"The Liberal Democrat Euro-MP claims a prominent sign on shop doors is all it takes to encourage shoppers to browse. And next week, he will create fusion for the first time using only a set of (recycled) chopsticks and some ethically sound cheese.
"He said: 'Retailers can display a prominent sign telling shoppers they are open. Perhaps one with the word 'Open' on it might work, as against one, for instance, saying 'Closed' or 'Back in 5 mins'. They might also like to tell people that by keeping the door closed they can cut costs and lower prices while saving the environment***. Hang on. Is it midnight already? Mummy! Mummy! I'm a pumpkin! I'm a pumpkin! I'm a '"pumpkin!
* This is not a political thing. I'm just allergic to idiots.
** If it isn't the correct name, it most certainly should be.
*** If he's that arsed about polar bears, why is the press release not in enviro-hugging email format, but on no-mention-if-it-is-recycled paper (that's the rainforests completely fucked then), accompanied with a glossy printed photograph (think of all the chemicals killing octopi and the Great Barrier Reef), fixed together with a paper clip (the tin miners of Cornwall mournfully lay down their tools forever and immediately commit suicide), inside a stamped addressed envelope (two horses provided the glue for these adhesives) and written in ink (quick, all the squid are dead - play The Last Post.)