March 17, 2008

My heart bleeds this afternoon for everybody's favourite half-legged former escort, Heather "Run Of The" Mills.

Heather - who described several photos pictured of her in a "specialist" German magazine naked and American-strength "held open" (as they say in the trade) in the vicinity of a naked man who clearly wasn't very cold as "glamour", as very much against, say, "pornography" - has just been awarded the paltry figure of £24.3 million by a judge as settlement in her divorce from Fab Macca Thumbs Aloft (he says, with a knowing nod to other readers of Smash Hits during the 80s).

Never mind sneering at poor Shannon's mum and her legion of children for daring to be poor and badly educated, let's turn our withering looks instead to a gormless Saudi-serving alleged whore (she's never sued, funnily enough, even though she frequently insisted she would), forced to endure four - count 'em! - years of marriage to an incredibly wealthy man who could well be as tight-fisted as he is rumoured to be, judging that if he had forked out on a decent pair of glasses after Linda's death he would have seen Heather hopping coming a mile off:

* Fourteen - FOUR-RUDDY-TEEN - million as a single lump sum for the Hard-Up Hop-Along Hartlepool Harlot.

* Another £2.5 million to buy "a London property". (Do bordellos cost that much these days? I don't know - That Fancy London, eh?)

* Further "assets" awarded to her of £7.8 million - presumably other "properties" previously owned by Thumbs Aloft before Compulsively Lying Calf Cutaway came along.

* A mere £35,000 a year for baby Beatrice. (You can hear the argument between mother and daughter in later years now, can't you? "You cannae ha' nae mooor monee, like," says Heather. "I'm fookin skeent! Nae fook off gan doon Lundun and ask yer cunt offa fatha!")

* The obligatory "nanny and school fees".

As AJ said a few minutes ago, that was one expensive hooker.

And more expensive than we thought, too, as it appears Thumbs Aloft does not have the rumoured £800+ million sat burning holes in his pockets that we (copyright: all newspapers) thought (and Hoppa did, too - she wanted £125million, as you do), but a mere £400million instead.

Bummer.

Still, at least he's finally got the Millstone from around his neck.

So it's a big Thumbs Aloft to Paul from all his friends at BCUK.

Altogether now:

"Imagine there's no Heather, it's easy if you try..."