March 30, 2008

This reminds me of someone.

For good reasons, too.

x

The world's greatest website is here.

March 30, 2008

All journalists are shits, supposedly.

Useless, careless interpreters of a world they either don't respect, don't understand, or simply don't care enough about.

Except some of them.

Thank you, sir.

March 30, 2008

I met someone last night who I've met several times before: Difference this time, was that I wasn't so arrogant as to not listen.

And listen I did - as well as gaze happily on an amazing array of artwork, paint, pencil and airbrush, with self-portraits, beautiful landscapes, amazing skies and sunsets and seas. I know nothing about art, but I know what I like: Talent. And this gentleman, who doesn't want to be named, has it in spades.

As I was marvelling about the texture of the hair on the portrait of his son, on the slight moist sheen he'd fashioned on the boy's lip, another conversation with the third party in the room began, somehow, to turn to all things Boys Own.

So, naturally, two of us talked about parachuting.

How much do we wish we hadn't?

Our softly spoken artistic friend, who has painted ceilings and walls and people and pupils and flowers and trees and all things beautiful, grew up in South Africa, where whether you like it or not, you're In The Army Now.

You can put it off for a year or two on the grounds of study, but no matter, they're waiting, sometimes even on graduation day, to take you away.

So, X, as we'll call him, who's not one to half-heartedly do anything, judging by his art and his love of his family, thinks: In for a penny, in for a pound. He has to do this, so why not do it well?

He quickly, rapidly, gains Grade A status. He's a Jock. He can run further, climb faster, shoot more accurately, fight meaner, take more pain, stay awake longer, do more press ups, suffer more sit ups, and fuck more women than any of the guys in his unit.

And he did all that because he hated it that much he wanted to beat it, if that makes sense (does to me).

"No mate," he said. "Never done a parachute. Wouldn't want to." To which my sad little weakling heart twanged a beat: I'm brave, too. Then: "Not after a hot landing."

A what?

"All they say to you is that you're going to experience landing in a hot zone, a war zone," he says. "So, you know, I'm 20 years old, and we're climbing into a Puma helicopter, and the only thing they're remotely arsed about is making sure you're strapped in properly.

"These things are huge. The cockpit is half the size of your [Fancy London] living room. And the gunners - fuck me, the gunners, front and rear, have got their fucking legs dangling out either side of the gun."

Great, thinks I. Interesting, too. But I've been in a helicopter, actually. And I've jumped out of a plane. Which you haven't. Which makes me-

"Then, at about 20,000 feet, without any fucking warning whatsoever, they invert the rotors."

Eh?

"The things that make you go up, that make you stay up, are now making you go down. Accelerated freefall. In a fucking helicopter of many tonnes. And at god knows what height, they invert them back, and despite the fact your testicles and abdomen are already at least a mile and a half above you, the only instrument in your body you're aware of are your ears, and that's largely because you're wishing they didn't work, and that way you wouldn't be listening to the terrifying scream of metal as the rotors screech against gravity and velocity while battling at the very edges of hyper-aero-engineering, just to stop you all from turning that patch of rapidly-nearing land below you blood red."

And you survived, obviously?

"Yes. But I've never been in a helicopter again and I told the army to fuck themselves when my two years was up."

Nice artwork, though...

March 29, 2008

How bloody irritating.

March 29, 2008

Weird.

March 29, 2008

I'm a freshman in Quebec, born in 1985.

I made my theatrical debut just two weeks into training at The Birmingham Stage School in Paul Kerryson's touring production of Jerry Herman's Hello Dolly! at the tender age of nine. Memo to Paddy: [Llwnt right off].

I watched Barack Obama speak at the University of Cincinnati.

I'm a critic for the New York Times.

I was born in La Grange, North Carolina, I'm 6'3", and I weigh 190lbs.

I skateboard on YouTube.

I write about Jesus on Xanga.com where I appear to call myself "justinhotdangdunn".

I was born in 2000 with "near" pulmonary atresia w/IVS, hypoplastic right ventricle, PDA, PFO, tricuspid stenosis and regurgitation, mildly hypoplastic left ventricle. There is a foundation in my name.

I have a download book available on Lulu.com called Men Of The Cloth.

I have my own page on firefighternation.com

March 29, 2008

Galumptious, adj
Tiptop; first-rate; superlatively good

"You're talking about that bloody laptop again, aren't you?" sighed Nipper.

Zeds sniggered, and then dribbled a bit of wee.

March 28, 2008

Things, as a live UK broadcaster, you wish you'd never said.

http://www.youtube.com/v/zsIuT-Pdi70

March 28, 2008

The Dutch politician Geert Wilders has made a controversial film about the Quran, which he believes incites violence.

He's clearly got his own slant, but view the film at the link below and make up your own minds.

(Warning: Some of the shots are quite vividly horrific pieces of footage related to 9/11, the Madrid bombings, Ken Bigley's beheading etc, and consequently quite disturbing.)

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=7d9_1206624103

Thanks to NC.

March 28, 2008

From today's http://www.holymoly.co.uk mailout.

ANOTHER HM COMPLAINT:
This is terrible. After the savaging I got last week for daring to slag off Pete Doherty, I find the only person with more "intense" fans than him...

You are of course absolutely right - Holy Moly is a celebrity gossip website which should concentrate on exposing people who build careers and legend on nothing more than hearsay, PR and gullible fans who believe any old shit. Oh.

March 28, 2008

According to a production mole on the set of Top Gear, Lewis Hamilton - for it is he - has appeared on the show as The Stig on more than one occasion.

Bet he wasn't listening to learn-yourself-Spanish CDs, though.

( Source: http://www.holymoly.co.uk )

March 28, 2008

Clutch, noun
Collective noun for breasts

"And what did the judge say?" asked Nipper.

"Not a lot," said Zeds. "It's not the first time a muffled titter has ran around the court."

March 28, 2008

Remember these bloody things?

I do.

When I was about 11, they were the new big thing, and after a small win on the pools - about £220, I think, but to me at the time it seemed a lot - my my mum treated me and the elder brother Tim to one each (yes - proper Rubik's Cubes, not nasty immitations from the market).

Tim mastered the fucking thing in about a month.

I, however, was even quicker, and remain so to this day - but only because I prise the thing apart with a knife and then slot it back together again.

For the record: I have NEVER been able to complete a Rubik's Cube, largely because I am numerically dyslexic (and especially so with odd numbers).

More on one of Zeds' life frustrations here.

March 27, 2008

March 27, 2008

Gowpen, noun
A double handful

"It's true," said Nipper, wistfully. "More than two handfuls is a waste."

March 26, 2008

Christ.

Redleader and I have just had the most executive of executive lunches.

Washed down with glasses - nay, lashings - of Singha beer, we forced ourselves and two colleagues to thrash out some ideas over the comfort of a window table at the local Thai restaurant - http://www.sawasdeethai.co.uk.

What to do when one of your party is late, however?

More, and yet more, Singha Beer, that's what - with some fiercely spice-infused crackers dipped in sweet chilli sauce to complement the crisp, cold lager.

And once we were a party, the pushing of envelopes and blue sky thinking began - outside of the box, naturally - over the following morsels of agreeably edible fayre:

Geow Grob: Crispy fried wanton pastry with minced chicken, mixed herbs and sweet chilli sauce.

Gung Hom Pa: Whole prawns marinated with garlic, black pepper, coriander and wine, wrapped in pastry and again served with sweet chilli.

Kang Dang: Spicy Thai red curry with duck cooked in coconut milk with bamboo shoots, Thai aubergines, lime leaves and sweet basil.

Sawadee Pork Pan: Sizzling pork sirloin marinated in nut sauce, cooked on a griddle, served on a sizzling platter.

Talay Kra-Praw: Mixed seafood stir-fried with garlic, hot & spicy chilli sauce, with Thai holy basil leaves and green beans.

Pad Kee Mao Moo: Stir-fried spicy thick rice noodles with pork, birds eye chilli, garlic, green beans , holy basil leaves &Thai aubergines.

And a load of Khao Suay, too (beautiful rice).

*burp*

Oh. Is it not a Bank Holiday today?

March 26, 2008

Batrachomyomachy, noun
Battle between frogs and mice; a burlesque poem attributed to Homer

Nipper flew awkwardly into the area, sleeping bags tucked beneath each wing.

"And what, pray, are they for?" enquired Zeds, (for it is he).

"The fight," said Nipper. "I think it might take a while."

(The suffix machy comes from the Greek mache, a fight - just so you know).

March 25, 2008

A British council has decided to introduce free daily rubbish collections - like they get in Spain - as against the on-top-of-your-council-tax £40-a-year "pay as you throw" schemes being introduced elsewhere.

Good news? You decide.

"In Broxbourne, Hertfordshire, householders will have to pay for extra sack they throw out. But in West Dunbartonshire, Scotland, the bins will be emptied every single morning.

"The bad news is that the service will apply only to gypsies living on five illegal camps in the area. Everyone else has to make do with once a week collections for rubbish and once a month for recycling.

"Unlike mere law-abiding, council tax-paying householders, 'travellers' will not be required to sort their waste. The SNP-run authority has decreed that even though gypises don't pay council tax, they do have 'specific needs and aspirations' and therefore deserve to be treated as a special case.

"This all dates back to a decision by the Socittish Executive in 2004 to turn a blind eye to illegal gypsy settlements on the grounds that criminal trespass was part of their 'cultural identity'. Before that, there wasn't a single illegal camp in West Dunbartonshire.

"It's not as if the council is flush with money. It has a budget shortfall of £10 million and recently asked staff to accept pay cuts.

"Nor is it sensitive to the 'needs and aspirations' of any other group. Pensioners too frail to push their wheelie bins on to the pavement have to have a note from their doctor, otherwise the council refuses to empty it.

"No doubt crash-strapped West Dunbartonshire will be the next council to introduce a pay-as-you-throw tax.

"My advice to all those hard-pressed taxpayers who want to avoid extra is to dump their rubbish at the nearest gypsy camp."

Hear, hear, once again, Richard Littlejohn, writing that in today's Daily Mail.

March 25, 2008

Have these two ever been seen in the same room?

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00369/alistair-darling_28_369208a.jpg

I think we should be told.

http://images.wikia.com/muppet/images/thumb/0/07/Sam_Eagle.JPG/250px-Sam_Eagle.JPG

(Thanks to the ever marvellous www.private-eye.co.uk )

March 25, 2008

Resistentialism, noun
Humourous theory that inanimate objects display malice towards humans

"I don't get it," said Nipper. "It's just a cliff. Why are you so scared?"

"I'm not scared of the cliff," said Zeds. "I'm just scared of falling off the fucking thing."

March 20, 2008

www.disappear.info

March 20, 2008

Needless to say, some poncey Smiths-loving cunt who carries a broadsheet he never reads and wears a scarf around his slightly-stubbled neck will think this the very height of "high" cuisine.

http://www.cracked.com/article_14979_6-most-terrifying-foods-in-world.html

It doesn't, and won't, ever, stop him from being a cunt, though.

March 20, 2008

Avicide, noun
Killing of birds

"But isn't this illegal?" questioned Nipper.

"Shut up," said Zeds. "And stop breathing."

March 19, 2008

Just when you thought it wasn't anymore addictive.

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/digitalcontent/2008/03/facebook_gets_private_and_laun.html

March 19, 2008

Stewie: "Oh my God - did you have sex with Lois?"

"No," says Brian

"Good - 'cause her vagina is like grounddddd zeroooo. Chris made a real mess of it coming out before me... I mean, I just walked right out... swinging my cane..." *with hand actions of cane swinging*

March 19, 2008

"Cat owners appear to have a much lower risk of dying from a heart attack than their feline-spurning counterparts," reports the BBC today.

"Researchers looked at nearly 4,500 adults and found that cat ownership was related to a 40% lower risk of suffering a fatal heart attack."

I couldn't read anymore than that, sadly, because my mind was suddenly clogged with violent images of me, and a big hammer, and "researchers" - undoubtably with oh-so-important university degrees (and who adore The Smiths, natch) - lashed with rusting iron chains to stone walls with their heads smashed open like recently soft-boiled eggs set upon by hallucenogenic drug-crazed Rottweilers.

If you absolutely must, it's here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7304393.stm

March 19, 2008

An email arrives... almost inevitably from a company called "Octopus". For fuck's sake.

£24.3m marriage to Macca - 4 years
McDonald’s worker - 1771 years!

It took Heather Mills 4 years of marriage to "Macca" for her to earn £24.3m; it would take the average McDonald’s worker 1771 years to earn the same money

This week has seen the Heather Mills and Paul McCartney divorce battle end with the judge awarding £24.3 million to Ms Mills following her marriage to the Beatle star.

Based on the four-year duration of the marriage, Ms Mills was effectively ‘paid’ more than £700 for every hour that she was married to Sir Paul.

So if Heather earns £700 an hour, and was to work the average working day of 7.5 hours, she would earn £159,687.50 a month.

That's a pretty decent wage, but how does it compare to the average wage in certain other industries? Adecco compares the monthly earnings of Heather Mills with other popular job roles:

Heather Mills: £159,687.50 vs. Mechanic: £1,878.58
WINNER: Mills! It would take the mechanic over 7 years to earn as much as Mills did in a month.
Heather Mills: £159,687.50 vs. Teacher: £2,411.66
WINNER: Mills! It would take a teacher almost five and a half years to earn as Mills did in a month.
Heather Mills: £159,687.50 vs. Secretary: £1,251.50
WINNER: Mills! It would take secretary over 10.5 years to earn as much as Mills did in a month!
Heather Mills: £159,687.50 vs. Office Manager: £2,691.67
WINNER: Mills! It would take an office manager a little under 5 years to earn as much as Mills did in a month!
Heather Mills: £159,687.50 vs. Fire-fighter: £2,155.25
WINNER: Mills! It would take a fire fighter over 6 years to earn as Mills did in a month.
Heather Mills: £159,687.50 vs. Nurses: £1,920.33
WINNER: Mills! It would take a nurse just under 7 years to earn as Mills did in a month.
Heather Mills: £159,687.50 vs. Chefs and caterers: £1,143.33
WINNER: Mills! It would take a chef or caterer over 11.5 years to earn as Mills did in a month.

"Can't buy me love"

However, money isn’t everything as Adecco's recent survey of over a thousand UK employees from FTSE and non FTSE companies found.

In the survey 27% of senior managers that had considered leaving work had actively registered with a recruitment consultant, despite the fact that 60% of the same group stated they were satisfied, or very satisfied with current pay levels

Yet 6% of non-management (unskilled) workers have registered with a recruiter over the past 12 months but only 33% of this group state they are satisfied, or very satisfied with pay.

Adecco Head of Communications Louise Oliver said:

”The FTSE survey results strongly suggest that satisfactory pay levels are not a pivotal factor in employees looking for alternative employment. It is widely accepted that satisfaction in the workplace relies on many other factors other than pay, such as your relationships with colleagues and your boss, your physical environment and your opportunity for progression.

Although most people will never match Heather Mills’ bank balance, it is heartening to remember that when it comes to work the old adage is true; money doesn’t buy happiness”.

Appendix:

Divorce settlement information: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=538149&in_page_id=1770&ct=5

Average Wage statistics: http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=429176&in_page_id=2

MICHAEL DARREN
OCTOPUS
T: +44 (0) 8453 700 655
M: +44 (0) 7834 895 476

DOUBLE CIPR AWARD WINNERS 2004, 2006
BEST PR COMPANY FINALISTS, CIPR AWARDS 2006 / PR WEEK AWARDS 2006
BEST BUSINESS CAMPAIGN FINALISTS, PR WEEK AWARDS 2006
BEST TECHNOLOGY CAMPAIGN FINALISTS, CNET AWARDS 2006

March 19, 2008

Anthony Minghella, Arthur C Clarke and Captain Birdseye.

Why don't I work for Ladbroke's?