February 12, 2008

1. Have no other gods before me [the God of the Hebrews]. Failed (all hail Black Soup).

2. Make no images of anything in heaven, earth or the sea, and do not worship or labour for them. Failed (Full size if slightly mushy papier mache puppet of oneself)

3. Do not vainly use the name of your God [the God of the Hebrews]. Utterly failed (I enjoy spicy food, but not the thunderous arse fire of the 'morrow)

4. Do no work on the seventh day of the week. Failed (I'm addicted to newspapers)

5. Honour your parents. Failed (at least on one score, anyhow)

6. Do not kill. Failed (remember the duck?)

7. Do not commit adultery. Failed (on a common-law basis, anyway, and too many times to mention)

8. Do not steal. Failed (it was 50p, so it wasn't much, but it was out of the church collection box, and in the same church where I wet myself laughing - literally - on the altar)

9. Do not give false testimony against another. Uber-failed (I'm a journalist, if you don't know)

10. Do not desire another's wife or anything that belongs to another. Failed (because I'm sure this isn't really a tenth commandment. Is it? Is it really? No. Surely not. I mean, where do I start?)

So, the moral of this meme is that I'm going straight to Hell.

See you there, Nick

February 12, 2008

http://walburysoftware.com/bassmaniac/screenclean.swf

With thanks to the man from the Quespery Moone.

February 12, 2008

A press release arrives...

The Drinkaware Trust (Drinkaware) is urging all Brits to avoid peaking too early on Valentine’s Day by being aware of their ‘tipsy point.’

Drinkaware CEO Jean Collingwood says the ‘tipsy point’ is the pivotal moment in a night involving alcohol at which you decide to stay in control and last all night or drink too much and find yourself taking an early cab home.

“Valentine’s Day is a classic example of a special occasion that could impacted by crossing the ‘tipsy point,’ said Ms Collingwood.

“You could be out at dinner, having a great time and decide to have that one extra drink and suddenly you’re [sic] night takes a huge turn.

“An interesting conversation could turn into an irrational fight, or lead you to say something you don’t mean, ruining a special night out with the one you love or want to love.”

Drinkaware.co.uk, Britain’s leading responsible drinking information portal, has compiled some specific tips and hints to help Brits avoid going over their ‘tipsy point’ this Valentines Day.

Valentine’s Day Tips and Hints

Eat before you start drinking, or at least enjoy snacks or a meal with your drink
Drink water regularly to stay refreshed and hydrated
Pace yourself with soft drinks after every alcoholic drink
Order glasses of wine instead of bottles to keep track of how much you’ve drunk
Plan how you're going to get home before you leave. Make sure you've got numbers for taxis and keep aside enough money to get home safely
Another potential pitfall that comes from crossing your ‘tipsy point’ is that you might not be able to remember your night out when you wake up the next day.

“Valentine’s Day is a romantic occasion and it makes sense to want to be able to remember it,” added Ms Collingwood.

“Our message is simple: enjoy alcohol with someone special over dinner this Valentine’s Day but do it sensibly. By avoiding the ‘tipsy point’ you’re guaranteed to have a full set of memories to hold on to for years to come.”

To learn more about responsible drinking visit Drinkaware.co.uk which features answers to frequently asked questions about alcohol, a drinks diary, a unit calculator and much more.

Honestly. For the love of god...

February 12, 2008

Filipendulous, adj
Hanging by a thread or string

"This isn't the bit where you attempt an utterly tasteless pun about lady things, is it?" asked Nipper.

"Of course not," said Zeds. "And I'm not stringing you along."