January 31, 2008

It's been brought to this blog's attention that certain so-called "jokes" about Jeremy Beadle's stunted hand may have been in poor taste.

That being the case, I sincerely apologise to anyone who felt I was too near the knuckle.

January 31, 2008

Tomorrow, at midday, there will be a nationwide round of applause for the late Jeremy Beadle.

He'd have appreciated a big hand.

January 31, 2008

After Jeremey Beadle's funeral, the family will be inviting close friends and mourners back to the family home for a small finger buffet.

January 31, 2008

Jeremy Beadle is to be cremated.

The service will be called You've Been Flamed.

January 31, 2008

Georama, noun
Map of world on inside of globe viewed from within

"And that," concluded Nipper, triumphantly, "is how a goldfish feels."

January 30, 2008

Jeremy's dead, your loyal reporter can report.

And if you don't believe me, check my shorthand.

January 30, 2008

"At no time were the safety of the passengers or crew in question."

Hmm. Doubtful, I'd say...

Pretty much my worst nightmare. Almost.

January 30, 2008

Chester Zoo's new arrival, Margaret.

January 30, 2008

So concerned is Mr Broooon's Government about your health and wellbeing, and worried that it might not be doing quite enough to help and guide you, it now allows 792 - count 'em - public bodies to snoop on your phone records and emails.

We're not just talking MI5 here. Even your local council is now allowed to do it: in the last nine months of 2006, 1,700 requests were made by shirts-tucked-in-their-underpants town hall nobodies to access the private information of such criminally-minded people as fly-tippers.

Think about it: To spy on an Al Qaeda suspect, police have to go to the courts to get permission. To spy on you, dastardly litterer of pavement, the council merely rings up the Interception of Communication Commisioner to check it's okay.

So who can listen to you calls, get your phone records and read your emails with terrifying ease?

MI5
MI6
GCHQ
Royal Military Police
British Transport Police
All 52 police forces
Serious Organised Crime Agency
HM Revenue and Customs
All 139 prisons
All 474 local councils
Fire authorities
Ambulance service
Independent Police Complaints Commission
Financial Services Authority
Serious Fraud Office
Food Standards Agency
Environment Agency
The Post Office
Ministry of Defence
DEFRA
The Department of Health
Department of Communites, Local Government and the Regions
Home Office
Department of Trade and Industry
Ministry of Justice
Department for Work and Pensions

"If you do nothing wrong, you have nothing to be afraid of."

Yeah, right.

Welcome to 1984.

January 30, 2008

Bummer - that's what I really would call a bodyguard.

January 30, 2008

Dear Justin,

British Pie Week is nearly here!

Please see attached for the press release.

I understand that it may be rather late, apologies.

Thanks for taking a look.

Kindest regards,

Jayne Waterfall

Hang on. Let's go back to that just once more, shall we?

Kindest regards,

Jayne Waterfall

And people think I make these things up.

Anyhoo, without further ado, that British Pie Week press release probably written by Rowtheboat

DIARY DATE ---- DIARY DATE ---- DIARY DATE ---- DIARY DATE
British Pie Week
1 – 7 March 2008

The crust breaks on the inaugural British Pie Week (1-7 March 2008) with an action packed week of pietastic celebrations. The nation’s pubs will be united in their quest to keep the pie high on every menu. And we just have to eat all the pies!

British Pie Week Needs You!
Pies are as popular as ever in pubs, according to recent research over half of us will consider a pie when we’re eating in our local (Market Tools 2007). As a result we’re scouring the length and breadth of Britain in search of the best pub pie and crowning its creator the face of British Pie Week. If you’re a pie aficionado give your favourite pub pie the thumbs up by nominating it at www.britishpieweek.co.uk if your pub pie is chosen you could win a meal with friends to celebrate – now that’s nice as pie!

Pie Facts
* Pies first appeared in England in the 12th century and were predominantly meat pies. The crust of the pie was referred to as the ‘coffyn’ and there was generally more crust than filling
* The word pie is thought to originate from the word ‘magpie’, the bird is known for collecting a variety of things and almost anything can be bake in a pie
* The first pie recipe was published by the Romans and was for a rye-crusted goat’s cheese and honey pie
* Who ate all the pies – was shouted at 24 stone Sheffield Utd Goalkeeper, William Henry Foulkes (known as Fatty Foulkes) who was 6ft 2inches tall and apparently weighted about 12 stone in 1894, but increased to around 24 stone by 1902, legendarily remaining ‘agile as a cat’ despite his weight
* There are over 500 pie groups on Facebook
* Pie – noun, a savoury or sweet dish, usually cooked in a container, consisting of a quantity of food with a covering/or base of pastry. CHAMBERS CONCISE DICTIONARY

Note to Editors:
British Pie Week is supported by Jus-Rol – the nation’s favourite pastry.
Pie recipes, techniques and photography are available on request.

For further information contact:
Zarya Deighton/Jayne Waterfall
Richmond Towers Communications
26 Fitzroy Square
London
W1T 6BT January 2008

January 30, 2008

Maar, noun
Volcanic crater without a cone, usually filled by a lake

"You know, in Thai, pronouncing it in a mid-tone, the word maa means 'to come'," said Zeds. "But in a low-tone, maak refers to a beetle nut."

"Oh," said Nipper.

"The same word with a falling tone means 'a lot', or our equivalent of 'very'. Then there's the maa in a high tone, which means 'horse', or in a rising tone, which means 'dog'. And I think there's another version which means wood, too, but I can't remember it. And mae in a mid-tone is 'mother', which makes it even more confusing."

"Very good," said Nipper. "But why not just give me a sleeping tablet instead?"

January 29, 2008

Or, instead, pass me a noose.

Still, at least he's got an aortic aneurism.

Someone burst a balloon.

January 29, 2008

Hippoid, adj
Pertaining to or like a horse

"Sore throat?" asked Nipper.

"No," said the pony. "I'm just a little hoa-"

"You're fired."

January 28, 2008

If the answer to all things science is the very essence of time, space and matter, and how they fold and conform and gel with one another to produce, or aid, life, then I have no idea why on earth the likes of Stephen Hawking was looking through a telescope.

It's really quite simple, you see.

Time: The equation of which Justin spends walking towards a train station, multiplied by the amount of Very Pissed Off Moments he will spend watching the train leaving before he gets there. Momentarily.

Space: Inches, normally. Inches so brief, so small, that I can feel the air pass across my brow as the wind from the now-leaving train - now renamed from "Richard 1040" or some such, to "Cunt Central Hope You All Die" - edges out of a station that I am stood at, as always, and as always, too, behind a very old and should-be-pensioner, who is insisting on paying for a 40p ticket with his credit card. Which he doesn't have to, because he gets them for free, anyway. But that he's also forgotten. Because he's too old to be alive anymore. Forgetting, also, that I am old enough to be alive, and at work, and, frankly, to get out of my way.

Matter: Matter? Matter? Of course it fucking matters! I spend half of my life sitting and watching traffic lights, or trains leaving, or bridges lifted, or ferries leaving, or planes taking off; I get highly frustrated when I see the world seemingly move on in my absence, while I sit there impotently waiting for the next Fucking Old Man To Move.

Gah.

Rant over.

Kill pensioners.

Vote for me.

x

January 28, 2008

Good news, fact fans.

Here's how the news was broken, News At Ten style, in our newsroom this very morn:

From: "Alice Ridley"
Sent: Monday, January 28, 2008 8:55 AM
Subject: Make the most of your spuds on National Potato Day

JANUARY 28, 2008 - For immediate release
Make the most of your spuds on National Potato Day

The humble potato has formed part of our staple diet for hundreds of years.

And with the average Britton eating a whopping 103kg a year ­ that¹s about
500 medium sized potatoes ­ we certainly love our spuds.

So what better way to celebrate our favourite vegetable, than with National
Potato Day (03/02/08)?

Nathalie Winn, World Cancer Research Fund (WCRF) nutritionist, said: "Potatoes are a great source of vitamin C and fibre. Because the main nutrient they contain is the carbohydrate starch, potatoes are considered a Ostarchy¹ food, like bread, pasta and rice. So whilst potatoes don¹t count towards your five-a-day, they do contribute towards a balanced diet. For
cancer prevention WCRF recommends eating plenty of plant foods, including a variety of fruits, vegetables and wholegrains.

"Another great thing about potatoes is their versatility. There's so much more to the potato than chips and National Potato Day is the perfect opportunity to try a few new things and really make the most of your spuds."

Nathalie¹s hot potato tips:

* Give your peeler the day off and leave the skins on potatoes when you cook them. The skin of the potato is packed full of fibre which helps keep your digestive system healthy and can help protect against bowel cancer.

* How you cook your potatoes is important too. Opt for boiled or baked instead of chipped or roasted to cut out the need for added oils and fats.

* Why not try sweet potatoes as a tasty, nutrient-packed alternative to ordinary potatoes? They contain heaps of beta-carotene, which is an antioxidant and a component of vitamin A. Beta-carotene can help protect against cancer of the oesophagus and gives sweet potatoes their orange colour.

To celebrate National Potato Day WCRF has four tasty recipes for those tatties.

Potato and Cauliflower curry
Ingredients (serves 2)
2 teaspoons olive or rapeseed oil
1 onion, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, crushed
200g/7oz canned chopped tomatoes
pinch ground turmeric
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon garam masala
1 or 2 green chillies, deseeded and chopped (optional)
200g/7oz new potatoes, scrubbed and cut into bite sized pieces
100-150ml/3-5fl oz hot water
1 small cauliflower, cut into florets
Handful of fresh coriander leaves and stems, chopped
Method
Heat the oil in a non-stick pan with a tight-fitting lid. Add the chopped onions and garlic and fry over a medium heat for 2-3 minutes, stirring frequently. Add the tomatoes, spices and chilli (if using). Cover and cook over a medium heat for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the potatoes with 100ml/3fl oz of hot water. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes.
Stir in the cauliflower and cook in the covered pan for 10 minutes or until tender. Add another 50ml/2fl oz of hot water if the curry is sticking to the bottom of the pan. Stir in the chopped coriander and serve hot. Calories per serving: 237 Fat per serving: 6.7g

Fish On chips with a twist
Ingredients (Serves two)
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
2 medium sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into chunky chip shapes
2 pieces of skinless haddock fillet or similar white fish (150g / 6oz each)
Knob of butter (15g / 1/2oz), melted
2 tablespoons fine wholemeal breadcrumbs
1 lemon, cut into wedges
1 teaspoon mixed herbs
160g / 6oz frozen peas
4 tomatoes, washed and sliced
Heat the oven to 200ºC / 400ºF / Gas Mark 6 and preheat a baking sheet inside. Measure the vegetable oil into a plastic bag and add the sweet potato chips. Shake so that the potatoes get coated in a thin layer of oil. Spread the chips over the sheet and cook for around 20 mins, turning at least once. Meanwhile place the two fish fillets onto a sheet of lightly
oiled aluminium foil on a baking tray. In a bowl mix the melted butter, breadcrumbs, juice from half the lemon and herbs, and press the mixture on top of the fish fillets. Place in the oven beneath the chips and cook for 10-12 mins, depending on the thickness of the fillet, until the fish is opaque and flaky. Cook the peas for a couple of minutes in a small amount of
boiling water. Serve the fish and chips immediately with the sliced tomatoes and peas on a warm plate, with a wedge of lemon on the side.
Calories per serving: 476 Fat per serving: 14.7g

Leek and potato omelette
Ingredients (Serves one)
100g (4oz) potatoes, peeled and cubed
1 small leek, trimmed, washed and chopped
2 eggs
2 tablespoons semi-skimmed milk
1 teaspoon chopped chives
1 tablespoon olive oil
freshly milled black pepper

Method
1) Boil the potato cubes in a pan of water for 5 minutes, then add the leek and cook for a further 3 minutes, until just tender. Drain well.
2) Beat together the eggs, milk and chives.
3) Heat the oil in a 20cm (8 inch) non-stick frying-pan and arrange the leek and potato over the base. Pour the egg mixture over the top and cook over a medium heat until the edges of the egg mixture start to set.
4) Pre-heat the grill to a medium heat. Place the pan under the grill to set and finish cooking the top of the omelette.
5) Remove from under the grill and leave to stand for a minute before carefully turning out on to a warmed serving plate and cutting into wedges to serve.
N.B. If possible use a pan with a metal handle, but remember this will get hot under the grill! If you don¹t have a metal handled pan, wrap the pan handle with several layers of tin foil. Don¹t forget to use an oven glove! Calories per omelette: 300 Fat per omelette: 15 g

Sweet potato pancakes
Ingredients (Serves four)
2 large sweet potatoes, peeled and grated
1 onion, finely chopped
2 carrots, grated
juice of half a lemon
3 tablesppons cornflour
2 eggs, beaten
pinch black pepper
1 tablespoon olive oil
In a large bowl mix the sweet potatoes, onion, carrots, lemon juice, cornflour and eggs. Add black pepper to season. Warm 2 teaspoons of oil in a non-stick pan. Pour a large tablespoon of the sweet potato mixture into the middle of the pan and make a thin pancake about 5cm in diameter. Fit as many pancakes as possible in the pan (without them touching). Cook for about 2 minutes on each side until cooked throughout and slightly browned. Ideal served with fish and vegetables or a mixed salad. Calories per serving: 250 Fat per serving: 6 g

ENDS

Notes to editors

National Potato Day is an annual event and this year takes place on February
3 2008.

And to think: Rowtheboat People get paid to write this shit.

January 28, 2008

Lasher, noun
Weir; water in or pool below weir

"I'm absolutely dying for a wee," said Nipper.

"That's a pity," said Zeds. "You'll have to go in the canal."

"Why's that a pity?"

"Well, if anyone had ever listened to my brilliant idea for a wee hose..."

January 27, 2008

Sorry I didn't get to Norway, little 'un.

I'll have a drink for you here instead...

x

January 27, 2008

Reality checks available right here.

January 27, 2008

Gilravage, verb
To celebrate noisily; to go on a rampage

The furrow of Nipper's brow was deep, and real.

"There's a full moon, isn't there?" he asked.

"Eventually," said Zeds, and not a little darkly.

January 26, 2008

1. Haggis, neeps and tatties are actually delicious - cheers Rubychoo. Although it's possible that I am instead just now officially old almost nearing the time where I could, possibly, be considered "middle-aged". God. It might be sprouts next.

2. Ashley Cole is insane. She might be a vacuous, mouthy, short-arsed Geordie girl band "singer" who uses the word "canny", but, Christ, she's gorgeous. And that hairdresser clearly, unequivocally, isn't.

3. Danish Blue cheese. Known as Danablu in Denmark, fact fans.

4. A haircut. I vowed after last year's shaving nightmare never to have one again. But my patchy mane now looks like I'm a recovering chemotherapy patient, and a multi-coloured one at that.

5. Bouncy castles. I'm never, ever, going to get the chance to play on one of those again, am I? Not without getting arrested for being a nonce, anyway. Or committed. Honestly. If there are children reading this - which I fervently hope there are not - my advice is don't grow up. It's rubbish.

January 26, 2008

Paracentesis, noun
Tapping of body fluid

"I don't really care care what you call it," said Nipper. "You're still a tosser."

January 25, 2008

Nikhedonia, noun
The pleasure received from anticipating success

"You look happy," said Nipper.

"I know," said Zeds.

"Er, why?"

"Fifty six million tonight, another eighteen tomorrow. I can't wait."

"You think really think you're going to win it?"

"Pah. I can't possibly lose."

January 24, 2008

A few years ago, Clive had a mild stroke.

It left him with walking difficulties and a slightly longer compute time, but he nevertheless retained a dry sense of humour.

But his days were always the same.

He'd rise late in the morning, have a cup of tea, and roll a spliff. Then he'd shuffle out of his bedsit, down the road to the sandwich stand near the station, where he'd stand and eat a bacon and egg butty, drink more tea, and chew the fat with the stall owner.

After his brunch, it was off to the pub, where he'd stay for a few hours, sipping bitter, making incessantly sexist comments about the female contestants of Eggheads, and then later, after 4pm, go home.

On his way, he'd buy a bag of chips, and eat them when he got home, before rolling another spliff and settling down for the soaps.

Around nine, he'd rise again, return to the pub, and pour vodka and cokes down his neck, most frequently with Frank, his pal, occasionally offering up nuggets of mysogynistic - but hilarious - wisdom from his end-of-bar perch.

That was his life, Sunday to Saturday (although Sundays were slightly different - the bacon butty stand is closed).

A few days before Christmas, he collapsed in the pub and was rushed to hospital, where he was to spend Christmas and New Year.

The pub simply wasn't the same without him, because Clive was just always there: Same place, same time, every time.

When I saw him on Thusrday, though, the first time since he'd been out of hospital, he wasn't looking too good. His speech was slower than usual, his answers shorter and more laboured, and he'd lost an awful lot of weight. He'd never led the healthiest lifestyle, of course, but now he was looking a lot more than his 52 years.

But I bought him a drink, as I always did. We had a chat, and off he eventually went into the night, for his final spliff before bed.

Then, on Monday afternoon, at 12.52pm, Clive was on his way to see a friend at his business across at what we locally call "over the tracks".

The train killed him instantly.

We can't think that he took his own life, not just because we were his friends, his drinking partners, but because he was nothing if not pragmatic about the cards fate had dealt him.

"It's all shit," he would always say, with a grin lolling underneath his moustache.

Well, it certainly is just now, mate.

January 24, 2008

The famous slogan when the Big Mac was launched in 1968 was simply: "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun."

Ker-rist.

I know McDonalds is seen by some as sat at the right hand of the Prince Of Darkness his very self, but there is simply no escaping from the fact that I want one of these.

And I want one right now.

As I said to a fellow blogger a few minutes ago: "Secret sauce and vile but strangely edible gherkin slices. Cheese. Cheese! Burgery smell. Polystyrene container with bits of sauce-smeared lettuce to scoop up at the end.... Mmmmmm."

Everything you ever wanted to know about said manna from heaven - including international variants on the standard Big Mac that I wrongly assumed was the same all over the blessed world - can be found here.

And, for the Scottish among you, how to make your own out of cheaper McDonald's products.

Jesus. Now I'm ravenous.

But that's okay, because female parental is taking me to the Thai place round the corner for lunch in an hour...

January 24, 2008

Dingleberry, noun
A small clot of dung, as clinging to the hindquarters of an animal; a sheep's dung-clogged tail

"You're looking very sheepish," said Nipper.

So Zeds punched him again.

January 23, 2008

1. Go to www.pornolize.com

2. Enter a URL of, say, your blog.

3. Read results.

4. Snigger, like a schoolboy.

In other news, can someone please tell me why I have, of late, received around a billion requests from friends to join Yaari?