October 31, 2007

May all good things come to those who wait.

October 31, 2007

Somniferous, adj
Inducing sleep

"So, those sleeping tablets you brought back from the Far East, did they finally work last night?" asked Nipper.

"Yes mate. Nine hours, straight through. Didn't wake up once. Don't think I even moved a muscle. Marvellous."

"Well, that's good," agreed Nipper, "and it certainly makes a change. But do you actually know what they are?"

"Of course," retorted Zeds. "I'm not stupid, you know. They're the pink ones."

October 30, 2007

This is apparently a recent payslip of the talented, but by no means mercurial, Liverpool player John Arne Riise.

Read it and weep.

October 30, 2007

Taps nose in conspiratorial manner while wearing an old trilby and thumbing through his dog-eared notebook as he licks at the end of his snapped-off pencil

Ahem.

What?

October 30, 2007

Verbigeration, noun
Senseless reiteration of cliches

"Tell me," wondered Nipper, "why did the horrifically northern supermarket chain Morrisons drop the slogan, 'More reasons to shop at Morrisons'?"

"Because it was absolutely shit and didn't make any sense," said Zeds.

"To be sure?"

"To be sure."

"I'll be a monkey's uncle," cooed the buzzard, amazed. "Well, you know what they say, don't you?"

"Monkey's uncles? Ooh ooh aah aah ooh ooh, mostly, I think.|"

October 29, 2007

Thrion, noun
Adam and Eve's fig leaf coverings

"And as you can see," said Zeds, pointing at the picture of the near-naked woman, "she had to put three on."

October 29, 2007

Pantophobia, noun
A fear of everything

"He's behind you!" shouted Zeds, to Nipper, who immediately exploded in a storm of feathers.

October 28, 2007

Saponaceous, adj
Soapy, slippery; or evasively ingratiating

"You are looking good, my friend, I have to say," said Nipper.

"Oh, I know," said Zeds, completely wrongfooting the little feathered bastard (who, yes, has talons and not necessarily feet (as such)).

October 27, 2007

Last year, through our paper, we tried to raise the profile of a local charity of which the staff do the most remarkable, and brave, and utterly brilliant, job.

Here's me harping back to it again.

And this is why.

And here.

And here:

And here.

And here.

And, most of all, here.

October 27, 2007

Email to Tech Support

Dear Software Engineer,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the UN-install Does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General protection Fault in module House Security. The UN-installation will abort."

Can you help me, please!!!

Regards,

Desperate User

Reply from Tech. Support

Ref: Upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 Wife 1.0

Dear User,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to Run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command CAPOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5, which will improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support.

October 27, 2007

Go here.

October 27, 2007

A Krug 1995 - around the $180 mark - is sitting in my friend's fridge.

A half-empty bottle of same was discovered this morning in the living room.

A half-empty bottle of pink Moet was found elsewhere in the hau house.

And we're fairly sure - though not completely - that there's a quite happy taxi driver's wife out there, too.

So, that's it, then.

I can never, ever, go on a freebie restaurant-opening with TLT again.

October 27, 2007

Scripturient, adj
Having violent desire to write

"So," declared Nipper. "Twenty years to the day you started this reporting lark, and the best you can come up with is a picture of you looking like a smug twat aged around 19 who's clearly in dire need of the firm attention of an aluminium baseball bat."

"Pretty much," said Zeds.

October 25, 2007

Never, ever, ever - even if held at gunpoint by a rabies-crazed grizzly bear enduring a glaring bout of particularly smarting piles - drink Sainsbury's Organic Lager again.

And repeat this to self thrice daily.

October 25, 2007

Macrophallic, adj
Having an unusually large phallus

"In your dreams," said Nipper.

"Piss off," said Zeds.

October 24, 2007

News just in, folks!

HJ has just opened his eyes.

After over a week.

Don't worry, though. He's obviously gone right back to sleep again now.

Must have been some kind of reverse blink, I reckon.

October 24, 2007

...spot granny's deliberate mistake.

October 24, 2007

Well, one of his grandmothers seems to like him...

And so does his Auntie Tres Bon (formerly known as TLT, fact fans)...

Personally, I think he needs a hairdresser...

Or a quiet word in his ear about the sleeping tablets...

And, while we're at it, the pot, too...

The cat, however, clearly isn't too impressed...

But he knows his mum is...

And he knows his dad is...

And he knows his Uncle Mark is...

And his Uncle Juzzy might just be a little bit on the chuffed side, too...

October 24, 2007

Yclept, adj
Word which means so-named

"And that's why he's called 'Justin'," said Nipper, who is, incidentally, a lousy excuse for a friend and a right little bastard to boot.

October 23, 2007

I'm going to watch Snail singing in a pub near my mum's later.

Now this should be interesting, not least because I haven't heard her sing in ages, and because I've been researching how the little songstress will be spending Halloween.

What I can assure you, fact fans, is that she won't be dressing up as a witch and throwing eggs on the doorsteps of Tory councillors. Or something.

No, no.

She's actually going to be a witch, at this pseudo-temple of utter madness.

For £50, she is paying to spend the day in a teepee - yes, a teepee - which will be sealed, with a fire inside, for a few hours, with a Shaman, risking her own life and limb in the pursuit of insanity detoxing a body that has about as much toxins inside it that I have healthy things.

Yes, in one of these:

Where, apparently, "this Sweat Lodge ritual has the focus of honouring and collecting the resources that can make the next twelve months successful and harmonious," it claims.

"On this important day in the Celtic calendar, doing powerful work creates an energetic template for a nurturing future, in union with the ancient medicine of the Earth.

"To cleanse and purify on this day of the year was paramount to our Celtic ancestors. Tune into the guidance and power of living in harmony with nature and the elders of these lands. This Sweat Lodge ritual has the focus of honouring and collecting the resources that can make the next twelve months successful and harmonious. On this important day in the Celtic calendar, the connection between ourselves and those who have passed over was believed to be strongest; this is therefore an important and beautiful time for letting go of negative feelings on all levels, and celebrating the positive within yourself and others, and surrendering to the now. Doing powerful work on a day like this creates an energetic template for a nurturing future, in union with the ancient medicine of the Earth. Honouring our ancestors, honouring the land, and honouring ourselves."

Afterwards, she could sit at the main house where all this stuff is orchestrated, and when I looked at the picture, I thought, hmm, yeah, that might just be for me, after all...

Sound! I thought. I'll go with her. I mean, look...

So, great eh? She can scald herself to death inside a tent full of crazed hippies, and I can get shitfaced on Scotch whilst simultaneously trying to chat up the no-doubt immigrant staff who are probably desperate to get away from the wizards and warlocks of Scotland.

Yeah, right. Fat bloody chance.

No, why stay in a rustic lodge of warmth and comfort and all-round loveliness when you can park your little yellow former BT van circa 1769 next to here, Loch Venachar, and shiver all night in the back? While chanting Celtic verse? And, um, looking at this...

Oh bollocks - I'm going to end up going, aren't I.....?

October 23, 2007

And to think I thought Prime Minister Broooon was crackers.

This is bloody marvellous.

Viva le SSRI prescription!

October 23, 2007

...you grumble about everything. Check.

...absolutely everything irritates you. Check.

...you have to get up at 5am for a wee every night. Check.

...and put it off for as long as possible until you're really awake. Check.

...you go through the quandary of whether to watch your mate in a gig or watch the second part of Spooks. Check.

...you can make a pint last all night, like, for instance, last night. Check.

...the shoes and the suit and the shirts you intend on buying are exactly the same as the ones you bought last time - which was quite a while ago. Check.

...you realise when talking about something that happened in 1987 that it is of no interest to the glazed-eyed teenagers in front of you because the little bastards weren't even born then. Check.

...you start to feel safe around policemen rather than, well, um, guilty. Check.

...your hair simply doesn't grow back properly, but your beard - which of course you now have, being old - is half grey, half ginger. Check.

...you want to tub-thumb a table after reading Richard Littlejohn's column in the Daily Mail. Check. He wrote this a couple of weeks ago, but I forgot to refer to it.

It would be unrealistic to pretend that the security services should not have access to our phone records.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I'd like malted milk biscuits with my cocoa, please, nurse.

October 23, 2007

Rosorial, adj
Pertaining to rodents; gnawing

"There's a worrying obsession with gerbils and guinea pigs around these parts," said Zeds. "What's all that about?"

"Dunno," said Nipper. "But now you've made me feel peckish."

October 22, 2007

October 22, 2007

Ventage, noun
Finger hole in a wind instrument

"Please," pleaded Nipper. "Don't."

October 21, 2007

Neoteny, noun
Indefinite prolongation of period of immaturity; retention of infantile or juvenile characteristics into adulthood.

"Fancy a game of I Spy?"

"No," said Nipper.

"Oh, you're a right bundle of laughs, you are," said Zeds.

"Okay then. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with 'twat'."

October 20, 2007

Fard, verb
To put on makeup; to fard your face

"Posh Spice!" squawked Nipper, suddenly. "No one else will ever know - would you, or wouldn't you?"

"Never mind that," said Zeds, wrinkling his nose. "You've let one go, haven't you?"

Nipper flushed.

"But," continued Zeds, "while you're asking, more than likely, yes."

"Slag."

"Buzzard."

"Touché."