August 30, 2007

"How's the cat?" asks Redleader, from the comfort of his holiday abode. "The kids want to know."

"Oh do they?" replies Zeds. "Please, let me tell you."

[removes chunk of preventative biting wood from mouth]

"Well, early hours of Bank Holiday Monday - you know, Bank Fucking Holiday, when you're going to be off the next day, so you're a weeny bit even more pissed than normal - I am awoken to this strange beeping, mewling sound."

"Yep. Sounds like Beep."

"Indeed. And thank you for telling me now, mate. Much appreciated."

[quick gnaw on wood]

"So, I get up, check the clock - 2.35fuckingwellam - and find said Beep sat on the landing making aforementioned Noise Of The Damned. Beep then takes one look at me, stands up, lifts its tail in that haughty cat way, and then trots down the stairs, stopping momentarily every four steps or so to check I'm following, which, like the dickhead that I am, I am."

"Yes."

"Yes. Then it stands by the front door, apparently forgetting about the somewhat convenient cat-flap installed in the back door. Which it must have come in via only an hour or so before."

"So?"

"So, in the spirit of glasnost, I open the front door, and bid farewell and goodnight to Beep."

[Laughs]. "Yup. That's Beep."

"Hang on - I'm not finished. At 4.30bastardingam, I am in the middle of what I think is the strangest dream. I am having reverie a la deja vu! There is a cat making strange beeping mewling noises on the landing!"

"Weird."

"No, mate, not weird. It was just your fucking cat. Again. On the landing, having let itself in through the cat-cunting-flap in the back door, wanting to be let out of the front cunting door. Again. For the second time in two hours. In the middle of the night. On Bank Cunting Holiday morning."

[Chuckles] "So what did you do?"

"Well, I got up, didn't I? Same MO. Sat there, Beeping, until I walk onto the landing, when it stands up, lifts its tail to show me its rear fucking microphone socket, and then starts to pad down the bastard stairs again, eventually reaching the front fucking door, whereupon it sits its fluffy arse down, and turns its head and looks at me with an expression that - and I was a little dazed by sleep deprivation at the time, so forgive me if I'm wrong - said: 'Hurry up, dickhead. I need a piss.'"

[Chuckles some more] "Ah, well. She's getting on. Maybe she forgot about the cat-flap?"

"Forgot about the fucking cat flap? Forgot? I'll fucking say. Because guess what fucking happened at 6 fucking 30 fucking AM, eh? Go on. Fucking guess."

[Suppressed mirth] "Dunno. Was she on the landing?"

"No, she wasn't on the fucking landing. She was outside the front fucking door. Beeping very loudly, wanting to be let in."

"And did you let her in?"

"No. I just lay there listening to the Noise Of The Damned for the next three hours. What do you think I fucking did? Of course I let her in."

"Nice one. And how are things at work? We're having a great time down here...."