July 30, 2007

I see Sir Richard of Branson has jumped on the bandwagon currently being whooped and hollered after by the whelks of the Conservative Party at the moment, in that he has admitted to experiencing the evil wretchedness that is Drugs With A Capital D.

Well, in for a penny, in for a pondlife pound.

For about sixteen years - and to this very day - I, too, have been a consumer of such hateful materials.

Despite the constant, considered warnings from my friends in the Department of Healthily Inefficient, I have continued to put my life, and that of others, and thus the future of this very nation, at peril.

Now an outcast, I skulk in the shadows as I gorge on my fix, leaving evidence of my drug paraphernalia in whichever darkened alley I can find.

I've tried to give up smoking, of course, but such is the power of nicotine that so far I've found it pretty hard. Well, that and the fact that I haven't really tried to give it up at all.

I note with interest, though, that the Government - while banning millions of people from their perfectly legal pastime in one fell swoop, while of course leaving their good and fine and upstanding selves immune from such Draconian measures - has failed to offer free, "pure" cigarettes to us horrible, crime-infested smokers, which leaves me pretty much with just one option:

I'm going to start mainlining heroin instead, because even though that's completely illegal, you can get free methadone and free works from the DHI.

True, it may lead me to stop working, be a drain on the taxpayer, rob houses, bring misery to myself, my family and the victims of my random, pathetic crimes; true, I'll cost even more when I'm eventually slung into jail, where I'll have ever more drugs available while also having comparatively comfortable bed and breakfast accommodation; and true, yes, I may eventually do something silly with a contaminated needle that could get my health into all kinds of even worse peril.

But at least I won't be smoking perfectly legal cigarettes of which the tax goes to the Exchequer, so that's all right then.