December 31, 2006

Fights will be aplenty, marriages will end, children will not come home for the first time in their lives, as many have the first rubbish, empty sex of their lives; the Samaritans will be on overdrive, ITV’s Christmas Careline will be on hand to counsel people upset with this year’s soap storylines, while genuinely suicidal people will wait for Jools Holland to appear on screen before tearfully reaching for their vodka and Co-Codamol cocktails.

And so yet another year passes, and we look forward to a celebratory evening of packed bars, rubbish parties, pools of sick, police sirens, girls lying legs akimbo in the gutter, boys sat with faces akimbo courtesy of a pint glass, snogging-with-tongues the face off everyone we know, and waking up shamefaced tomorrow lunchtime with a grinning, toothless, naked elderly neighbour lying next to us. And a kebab.

If we’re exceptionally lucky and all goes to plan, that is.

It’s been a funny (sic) old year - for me, anyway - and as of last New Year’s Eve I asked people to contribute to a sort of diarists’ diary - A Blog Compendium, if you like.

There are some very interesting entries, for all kind of reasons.

Thanks to everyone who took time out to take part. If anyone else would still like to, email your entry to bindall (at) easy.com or PM me with your thoughts, and we can always update or repost this page.

Anyhoo, here it is: Another Three Hundred And Sixty Five Days - Your Words.

Old Nick

This year (so far) I have done a few things.
Good things. (In no particular order)
Got taken to Edinburgh for a weekend for free.
Made some new friends on here.
Met some of these new friends.
Found out just how good these friends are.
Discovered just how good some of my real world friends are.
Had some great weekends round S&F’s
Learnt to play the blues much better than I could before.
Got offered (and accepted) a free holiday.
Started a blog.
Lost some weight intentionally.
Lost some weight unintentionally.
Felt totally, blissfully happy.
Started a blog again.
Planned an escape
Got better.

Bad Things. (In no particular order)
Burnt my blog to the ground.
Cheated.
Went on holiday and screamed inside for most of the time with loneliness, even though I was with Jo and Sarah.
Pissed off some of my new friends.
Planned an escape
Hurt someone who didn’t deserve it.
Hated.
Watched the snapping and stress between Jo and I change my daughters personality.
Went totally fucking mental.
Lied.
Sat staring at my lighted cigarette end and wondered what it would feel like to put it out on the inside of my wrist on more than one occasion.
Cried.
Had a major hand in fucking up some ones life.
Drank far too much.
Realised some things about my marriage.
Felt heartbroken.
Made someone sick with worry.
Saw a version of me I never want to see again.

Puredawn

2006
It flew by!
It marked 5 years as a single parent, 5 years in this town...there have been magical times and "learning" times.
For a while, I seemed to have a stalker and, I assume, for ever, I have a criminal record thanks to my son refusing to stay at school. I reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and severed ties with things that did me no good. I learned to fit carpet, I decorated the living room, I got a new bed!
And now, I just want to be me!

Lyndzzz

I don’t really know what to say about my year, it hasn’t been the greatest, but mostly for each bad there has been good.

For instance in January I got suspended from my job, and then eventually lost that job, which culminated in me eventually losing my flat, though that didn’t happen until August.

I have watched my brother turn into an old man before his time, too much drink and his attempt to take his own life last year has left him a stranger to me, he seeks me out when he wants something

I lost some friends, but gained some more, one in particular who never a day goes by without some kind of contact, I bless the day I found him, that has been one of the really good things about this year.

In April I found another job, and within months was running my own department and thoroughly enjoying it, I moved into my little house, which is cosy and didn’t have a no pets rule and so I now have my little dog Molly.

In July I had some major financial problems, which culminated in me losing my PC and my Internet connection, had to move out of the flat and stay at my sons for a few weeks, I was off line until September, just getting on now and then through the library, I also managed to break my wrist, but did get a lovely yellow pot, and still worked throughout the time I wore it.

At the end of last year I joined a place called Blog.co.uk, throughout the year it has at times been my salvation, in November I got to meet some of the great people that I have got to know through blog, this helped me in more ways than anyone can imagine.

There have been down times, particular parts of the year are bad for me but I have found this year that I have been able to open up more about this, to certain people. My finances are still quite shaky, and I have to be very careful, but I am slowly getting there.

While I still have a long way to go, and a lot of Demons still to fight, I will eventually get there, with a little help from my friends.

xxxxxxxxx

Paul Boyd

January
Was in New York, visiting a certain gentleman blogger for the first time and started making life-changing decisions. Returned to Ireland to see the final performances of my musical "Hansel & Grettel" that had been running in Dublin.

February
Wrote the storyboard for a water-based production of "Sinbad" (to be produced next year). Recorded the voice-over for Belfast City Hall's centenary exhibition, playing the role of the City Hall itself (bizarre). Went into hospital for an operation to fix my nose (following an attack the year before). Spent three weeks recovering.

March
Returned to the USA to visit John and we spent a week in another part of the USA where we both made some life-changing decisions.

April
Back in Ireland, wrote the script for Belfast's Titanic exhibition and started scoring "Sinbad". Celebrated John's birthday and then my birthday, although we were apart. Agreed to direct "Pinocchio" for the Lyric Theatre later in the year.

May
Completed the score for "Sinbad". Returned to the USA, but not to New York as, by now, John and I had moved to the new area (and State) we had visited in March. Back in Ireland, held auditions for "Pinocchio" and went into rehearsals for "The Little Mermaid" before flying to Leicester in England where the show opened at the end of the month.

June
"The Little Mermaid" sold out in Leicester and then we flew to Belrade in Serbia. The show ran for a week, playing to over 2000 people at every performance. Flew back to Ireland before returning to the USA. Celebrated my Blogaversary - one year of blogging!

July
A hot, sticky summer in the US. Started rewrites of "Pinocchio" and edited my musical "McCool" for a summer production the following month.

August
Returned to Ireland for "McCool" rehearsals - the show opened in the middle of the month. Worked on the score of "Pinocchio" in the studio. Agreed to co-produce a second production of "Pinocchio" which would run in Dublin at the same time as the Lyric Theatre's Belfast production. Attended "Pinocchio" auditions in Dublin. Spent a weekend with friends in London.

September
Attended a second day of "Pinocchio" auditions in Dublin before returning to the USA. Continued to work on the script re-writes for "Pinocchio". John and I moved into our newly-refurbished apartment.

October
Returned to Ireland. Got my cats successfully re-homed. Started rehearsals for "The Little Mermaid" which then began its first ever run in Belfast. Completed the script and music for "Pinocchio". Started rehearsals for "Pinocchio" at the Lyric Theatre.

November
"Pinocchio" rehearsals continued. Visited friends in London and Bournemouth. John came to Ireland. "Pinocchio" opened in Belfast.

December
"Pinocchio" was named the Lyric Theatre's fastest selling show in over three years. Returned to the USA to spend Christmas with John in our apartment! Bought a tree, matching pyjamas and a vast array of baubles. Will cook Christmas dinner on the 25th and have had my sprouts on a low heat since October.

Ros Thompson

Jan - Erm. What did I do?! Apart from exams. Nothing much.
Feb - Witness Thierry Henry's beautiful goal against Real Madrid.
Mar - Passed my driving test, at the seventh attempt on St Patricks Day!
Apr - Watched with ever shortening fingernails, as Arsenal cautiously made their way to The Champions League final.
May - Finished exams; got tipsy. Went to Paris for the Champions League final. Arsenal lost; got a little tipsy.
Jun - Got my first car. Yay!
Jul - Haha. I knew England wouldn't win the World Cup! But never expected Italy to win though.
Aug - Finally got a summer holiday job. Have to drive through Mill Hill everyday for the next six weeks, to reach hell; I mean work.
Sep - Back at Uni for my third year. Middlesex screw my timetable up again!
Oct - Erm.....blimey another boring month. This isn't going to be a very interesting blog review, is it?!
Nov - Students Union Sabbatical officers made me very angry. And I learnt how to post a youtube video!
Dec - Mmmm. Advent calendar.

Usksider

Well let’s see; this year has been a mixture of good and bad, much like may others I suspect. So anyway, I guess I could define my year in three parts; the good, the bad and the ugly.

Being in optimistic mood I’ll start with the good.

I’ve met a whole bunch of really nice people this year, quite a few of them here in blogland. I’ve also made a few extraordinary friends; one in particular has become a very special friend and it’s always nice to have very special friends isn’t it?

Although I’ve had a few problems, my health has improved; something I’m very happy about.

My enthusiasm for capturing images has been rekindled and the addition of an excellent quality pocket-sized digital camera has increased the versatility of my kit; I’m able to capture images now in situations where carting a SLR and a range of lenses is impractical. Photography presents a constant challenge since the search for the perfect image is a very long one, but hey it’s fun seeking!

The bad.

Society never ceases to amaze me. Man’s inhumanity to his fellow man is truly sickening. I’m not a religious person, but I sometimes wonder why God doesn’t simply wipe us out and start all over again. Globally and nationally we’re up shit creek without a paddle.

On a more personal front; work sucks! As an educator I really enjoy seeing people transform through the acquisition of new knowledge. Unfortunately higher education in the UK these days is ruled not by sense, but by politics; students, by and large, get a really bum deal and that is seriously sad. I look at my own daughter struggling with her university education and I feel the blood rising. I want to bang a few heads together and return our college system to a saner time.

I should be grateful to be relatively secure in my employment it’s true, but the truth is I wish I could afford to retire early and just get away from all the crap.

The ugly.

I had a close encounter with depression this year and found myself plunged into depths I never want to revisit. They say one in four has problems with mental illness at some stage in their life; I’m here to tell you that if you become one of the stats you’re in for a rough time, but you can live through it.

Fight the demons.

Be as strong as you can be.

Don’t be afraid to accept help and if you’re lucky you’ll come out the other like me; battered and maybe a little bruised, but otherwise okay.

I wish you luck!

Abilene

Well, at the request of one rather charming fellow blogger here I am with my 2006 diary in hand. I am quite intentionally missing January off.

www.doicare.blog.co.uk

February 6th 2006
I take off my shoes and socks to feel the cool grass between my toes. I turn back and look at that dismal building that has been my home for what seems like forever. I can hardly believe I am free. I am waiting for one of the guards to come running out and say it is a mistake and to get back in my cell.

February 27th 2006
As the plan eases down the runway I cannot help but let a tear slide down my cheek. I know I am doing the right thing by being on this plane to England but cannot help but feel an overwhelming sense of loss for the life I leave behind.

March 2006
Well, I guess this is a good sign. I have only been in the country two weeks and have just started work for a rather successful firm. My career it seems has not been destroyed by the past.

April 2006
My own little shoebox. Yes, I bought a house. It’s small but it’s mine. If only all this good luck could erase the dark clouds in my mind. I fear people finding out where I have been as I fear they wont hear past the first sentence “I have been in a US jail”. When I close my eyes I hear the words “Bobby is dead”. I see his face. I want to punch him for being so selfish.

May 2006
This month I got laid extremely well by a face from the past only to soon after regret it. Why am I so dumb sometimes? Also found out that I have a half-sister out there and a biological dad who can only be described as a fuckwit (see how quick I pick up English slang). Thanks mom for keeping that a secret for so long!!

June 2006
What a quiet month. Of course that might be because I spent most of it nicely settled in a wine bottle. I find that by staying a little bleary I can pretend I am happy and that I am not bothered by losing part of my soul.

July 2006
Another failed attempt at romance. Lots of wine. Reacquainted myself with the pleasure of vodka. Welsh rugby teams. Pretty much sums up my July don’t you think?

August 2006
His birthday comes and goes. I am unable to give him a hug on his big day. Fucking ex husbands can really put a spanner in the best laid plans. Nothing spectacular this month either. God I am a boring cow aren’t I?

September 2006
Everything that happened this month (and for once it was quite a bit ) is eclipsed by a single phone call from a 13 year old.
“Why couldn’t you have just gotten married and then my daddy would still be alive”
What a punch in the stomach that is. I wish I could change things too sweetie, I really do.

October 2006
Got a speeding ticket. Joy. 36mph in a 30mph zone. Had empty sex ( not while getting the speeding ticket ) and loaned out a large sum of money that I am quite sure I will never see again. The money loaning was not connected to the sex. I am not adding paying for sex to my list of sins. For some strange, unknown reason I decided to quit hiding my past and tell some people about it. I was completely shocked by their responses. It appears that I may have some support out here after all. Ex hubby did himself proud by ruining my Christmas two months ahead of time. What a star.

November 2006
Fantastic. Someone wants to hear my side of the story. In print. I am scared to death and excited all at the same time. Things are going to come out about my survival in jail that will make my family cringe. Oh well, not like they supported me when they thought I was guilty. Amazing how things changed when I became able to prove my innocence. I am scared of releasing some of the demons in my mind but I am definitely excited about getting my story out there. What else happened in November? Met with some wonderful new friends in a strange and eclectic place known as Leeds. Made a complete drunken spectacle of myself and am sure I am banned from entering that city again!!

December 2006
Discovered something about myself that has apparently been laying dormant all these years. What an interesting journey I find myself on.

Summary of 2006
It’s been a strange year of reacquainting with society and discovering myself. I feel that this year has been a catapult year for me and 2007 is going to be a huge fireworks display. Come along and enjoy the show, bring your own popcorn.

TheMusingsOfAMenopausalMama

"I can't say this was a bad year, nor was it a good year. It simply was the year of 2006.

Meno's Journey Through 2006 (in no particular order)
* drew the line in the proverbial sand with Management and decided to be a
thorn up their backside
* alienated boy-child who refuses to acknowledge his mother
* hurt over girl-child's intense focus on career - translation: no time for her momma
* attempted to wean off anti-depressants and had the darkness of depression knocking at my door once again.
* decided that anti-depressants were my friend and allows me to cope with shite way better than if I was "clean"
* discovered that there are physical side-effects to anti-depressant medication withdrawal which sucks the big one, actually sucks many big ones
* gained weight whilst attempting to wean my self from anti-depressants which is quite the boot in the box...almost enough to get you back on the dang medication
* started the HENS to cope with my isolation from family
* decided there must be more to life than this shite and turned to the Catholic Church for comfort
* met some wonderful people, virtual and real
* decided husband needed a reality check and asked him to open the car door for me when out and about...little thing but definitely much-appreciated
* self-admits I drink too much, but have no intention of stopping
* opened my heart and arms wide for new people
* wondered for the millionth time if anyone would miss me if I was dead and decided, yup, I would be missed.
* enrolled in Egyptian Belly Dancing class to combat my loneliness
* wondered if I could "fake" an illness to get the children to love me and pay attention to me....was too lazy to put the plan into action
* learned that opening your heart and arms wide for people doesn't make you completely vulnerable
* discovered that my father had remarried, months after the fact...felt disgusted to know the family dysfunction continues..

This year, 2006, has been deemed to be the Year of Tears and Heartache peppered with many blessings.

PS. "I am sure I learned many more things this year but didn't write them down."

Faffajane

Positives of 2006
Turning 40. Had a wonderful birthday filled with lots of presents and being surrounded by the best hubby and children anyone could wish for.
Joining Blogland and having a ‘friends list’ consisting of a great bunch of people.
Mortgage being sorted so that we are now paying less than we were before.
Insurance payout so that we were able to clear some of our debts
Being healthy
Hubby not losing his job and things picking up for him workwise again.
Getting a new dishwasher
Having a great Christmas

Negatives of 2006
Tearing both of my calf muscles
Being in pain with my back
Not losing the weight I wanted to
Dishwasher packing up
Seeing so many of my friends so down and fed up
3 close friends losing members of their families, 3 funerals to attend
A beloved 2nd cousin dying and attending his funeral

That’s about it really for this year, nothing exciting on reflection, and hoping for more positives than negatives in the new year

Sixpence

January & February
Can’t fookin remember.
Apart from this: I remember going on a week’s writing workshop in Stratford upon Avon, coming back and decking myself out in Ann Summers gear and waiting in the bedroom for Mr Expence to get home from work. But when he arrived, he couldn’t be bothered to make love to me. Largely because he was pissed off that I’d gone on a week’s writing workshop in the first place. Even though I’m a writer, and that’s what I do.
I remember that.

March
Send my first full-length poetry collection off to my first potential publisher.
Start injections for my 5th attempt at IVF.
9 March: meet freakishly tall Lancastrian at a writing workshop.
Something unexpected happens.
I get butterflies in my stomach.
Lovely mouth, you see.
As he leaves I think “God, I hope he emails me”.
He emails me 2 days later.
That’s how I met morelearning.

April
I go on a writing weekend in Harrogate. Mr Expence tells me to “fuck off and enjoy myself”.
My book is accepted for publication.
My chronic insomnia is kicking off big time.
The IVF is gathering momentum.
Morelearning is going on a family holiday with his partner and kids for 2 weeks.
A combination of the two things above puts a considerable strain on my conscience, so I ask for an email reprieve.
I have 7 egg follicles developing.
The hospital fucks up. A blood test shows that I am drastically over-reacting to one of the drugs, and someone is supposed to phone me to tell me to reduce the dosage.
No-one phones.
All the developing egg follicles get destroyed.
I email morelearning to let him know, although I don’t expect a response until he returns from his holiday in Fuerte Ventura.
He replies the same day saying “I was just checking, just in case”.
I need to get to know this person better.
21 April: my first blog entry.
My marriage crumbles.

May
5 May: morelearning and I meet in the Yews for the first time since our original meeting.
Get thrown out of the Yews for rude snogging.

I have not slept in about 6 weeks. The doctor puts me on temazepam.
I win a runner up prize in a short story competition for my tale about guacamole.

June
I am falling in love.
9 June: Mr Expence agrees we should separate.
19 June (morning): Mr Expence moves out.
19 June (evening): Mr Expence comes home, tells me our marriage is over, says he knows I am having an affair, names morelearning, and tries to throw me out of my house.
20 June: I run over a cyclist on his way to the funeral parlour.
Things are going great!

July
I go to Brazil for two and a half weeks to attend my brother’s wedding.
I cross the Tropic of Capricorn.
I see dolphins.
I turn 35.
I take a notebook to Brazil with me to record all my amazing experiences.
I fill the notebook with endless whingeing about how much I miss morelearning.

August
Time for one quick rendezvous with morelearning between me returning from Brazil and him departing for his family holiday in Amsterdam.
I get offered a job at Market Randomtown District Council.
9 August: morelearning returns from Amsterdam.
11 August: morelearning tells his family he’s leaving.
13 August: I move out of my marital home and into my rented place.
25 August: I receive the divorce petition – the day before my 6th wedding anniversary.
Bank holiday weekend: morelearning moves in.
The circumstances are traumatic – to say the least.
The sex is fantastic – to say the least.

September
Morelearning and I battle our way through being abused and messed around by the people we once loved more than anyone in the world. But it’s hard going. For everybody.
I start my job at Market Randomtown District Council.
I learn how difficult it is to manoeuvre a pushchair.

October
My brother in Denmark announces he’s leaving his wife because he’s met someone else.
I introduce morelearning to Mummy and Daddy Sixpence.
Littlun stays overnight for the first time.
I nearly kill myself working too hard for Market Randomtown District Council.

November
I consider resigning from Market Randomtown District Council.
Blogmeet. Yay! How cool was that?
I win the Cleavage Competition.
Morelearning has a birthday.
I get the Decree Nisi in the post.

December
The events of December are too recent to report on.
So I’m gonna have to let you know.

A hell of a lot has happened this year.
I have lost my husband, my home, my cats, and my financial security.
But you know how I feel right now?
BLISSFULLY FUCKING HAPPY.
That’s how.
Happy 2007, everyone

Morelearning

December 05: My Christmas message was from William Burford, and he wasn’t wrong:
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2005/12/22/title~409298
My exhaust blew up on the way to Christmas dinner. I upgraded to a PRO account, apparently on New Year’s Eve. I knew how to party in those days! And I went to Coalville:
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2005/12/31/coal_not_dole~430432

January: New Year resolutions will probably be the same this year:
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/01/01/be_bloody_bold_and_resolute~430758
My mother died:
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/01/07/tempus_fuckit~449939
Watched my eldest play football a fair bit and the fish tank is leaking:
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/01/22/kirby_muxloe_vs_wigston_youth~497050

February: Ill children, courtesy car, Tom Robinson, trains, cycling and general madness. It can’t go on:
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/02/02/whip_lash_aerial_racing_trim_wish_that_i~528669

March: Memorial service for mum was mostly comic. Good read, this one –
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/03/28/scatterlings~680314
Also, I went on a writing course in Wigston. This proved to be significant.

April: Went to Fuerteventura over Easter. Had a good time, but also snatched time on the internet where possible and got to know new friend. Then she decided to take a break from me. Then she came back.
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/04/07/hey_let_s_go_to_spain~711235
I discovered that in Fuerteventura the same people make the toilet roll holders and the margarine, that I enjoyed bank holiday Sundays and that the Leicestershire Police force are corrupt. And I didn’t get a job.

May: My sister got married
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/05/08/cause_or_just_impediment_why_these_two~785289
I discovered I was addicted rather than allergic to straw, and I started leaving work at lunchtimes. I had lots of fun with the kids -http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/05/13/oh_look_there_goes_concorde_again~797274___##10##___ one of whom had his 15th birthday -http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/05/15/joe~802553___##10##___ and without the kids, for example in the Old Greyhound with sixpence
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/05/10/summer_i_like_it~790242
(for it is she, as I cannot yet reveal). The world’s biggest tyre manufacturer was revealed to be: Lego. Crazy days.

June: This is where my blog starts reflecting the reality of the situation. I’ve gone and fallen in love with Sixpence. I have lots of fun in the garden with the kids, although youngest is scared of planes and oldest has GCSEs coming up
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/06/11/bandits_at_one_o_clock~870868
and family life is just chaotic and interesting as ever
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/06/03/do_not_drive_to_lancashire~851589
but I’m smitten. And her husband decides to find out just as 600 exam scripts arrive, when I simply MUST disappear for a month. The World Cup finally arrives, but my blog is interspersed with smiley faces and subtle hints that my mind is very much elsewhere. My youngest becomes two years old.

July: Six goes to Brazil http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/07/14/name_that_city~960136 and I go mad marking exam scripts http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/07/16/bezzin_as_fook~964480
We communicate via the wonders of msn and blog. Alton Towers and lots of confusion. http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/07/22/her_name_is_rio_and_she_dances_on_the_sa~980998
Then she comes back on the day I leave for Amsterdam with the family.

August: In Amsterdam I accidentally cycle past a café I worked in 20 years ago http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/08/05/heineken_brewery_and_the_passage_of_time~1015148
Which completely does my head in. I’m worried about the kids and try to make it a holiday to remember,
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/08/06/and_then_i_woke_up~1017177
because I know by now it will be our last. I feel guilty – but things at home haven’t been good for a while.
Soon after we return, I leave the house. I stay at a friend’s. I feel like a shitbag. I am a shitbag.
We confess: http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/08/24/confession_time~1066431
Take littlun on the railway and go back to work. I move in. It’s exciting; it’s scary. It works.

September: Interesting times. We get some furniture, and one by one the appliances start to work. Things are still difficult with the ex. http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/09/14/how_long~1126573
Won 2-0 away at Lincoln! http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/09/30/no_f_in_justice~1175518

October: The best of times! http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/10/07/mission_possible~1197415
I try not to kill people at work. http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/10/16/management_for_beginners~1228096
I post while drunk: http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/10/18/slightly_drunk_once_again_all_alone_with~1236743

November: Work is crazy http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/11/24/last_lesson_of_the_morning~1364376
And I start the worrying trend of blogging during the quiet moments. I have a birthday and one card from all three kids. http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/11/26/to_a_dad_who_s_a_real_winner~1372434
Sixpence takes me somewhere I want to go, treats me like a human being and generally reminds me of why I love her. http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/11/29/feels_like_the_first_time~1381475

December 06: My application to beautiful people dot com is rejected. I’m not surprised. I am not one of the beautiful people* (though sixpence is). I’m just an average bloke doing his best, and I have someone to love me, and though I’m missing my elder kids I have hopes that they will eventually be happy for me. And in any case, I know they will be OK and I won’t stop loving them. http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/12/02/your_application_for_beautifulpeople_was~1394789
*plus I submitted a picture and biog of George Best!
I do some writing – I still seem able to muster up some work-based misery!
http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/12/13/standing_at_the_gates_of_the_west_nights~1432780
Bury are kicked out of the cup for fielding an illegible player – nobody could read his name properly.
Six’s parents stay over Christmas and it turns out to be a great time. And the future is just over the horizon…

This has taken me ages, Juz, you sadistic bastard, and it strikes me that it’s the kind of narcissistic nonsense that gives blogging a bad name. I’m sorry. Have a happy new year, everyone!

Emsbabee

January
Well, as so many of us did, I saw in the New Year with a stonking great hangover. I was living in Chichester with two Christian men, one of whom got upset if you put a fork in with the spoons, the other who ate tuna and porridge every day, sometimes together. I was working part time for an organisation that supports young asylum seekers, and tax free for a disabled man who was trying to include sexual favours in my job description.

However, the resurrection of Celebrity Big Brother eased the pain somewhat, and became the subject of pretty much my every conversation in this month.

February
There was a plane crash on Neighbours. Lives were lost, characters were axed, and the whole thing seemed to have been filmed in a giant bath tub. Friends and family rallied round to support me at this difficult time, as Harold said goodbye to his family through the medium of tuba. I managed to get pretty much every winter illness out of the way in one go, by having them all at the same time, and sending my strange African flatmate over the edge by lodging myself in the sitting room for an entire week and festooning it with biscuit crumbs and snot rags. Our relationship never recovered.

February also saw my first encounter with the Mighty Boosh. That's right folks, I touched Vince Noir. I would have done a lot more if security hadn't been quite so tight, and over-weight. My boyfriend moved out of his squat in Brighton and in with his parents. Thus began a series of rushed sexual encounters on a sofa bed.

March
A visit to Marwell Zoo was the highlight of March. My cousin (a single man in his 30's) arrived alone, with a back pack and a camera, he then spent the rest of the day being referred to as 'Paedo Pete'. It was during this month that I decided to stop watching 'Chantelle - Living the Dream', as every episode was exactly the same. Oh, and Harold tried to strangle Paul on Neighbours, which certainly got my knickers in a twist.

One of the girls I work with finally popped her sprog. He was tiny and perfect, and would have been oh so easy to slip into my handbag.

April
I KISSED VINCE NOIR! ON THE LIPS AND IN PUBLIC!! THEN I PESTERED THE REST OF THE BOOSH UNTIL I WAS ESCORTED FROM THE BUILDING BY MY SISTER!! NOTHING HAS EVER LIVED UP TO THAT MOMENT AND NOTHING EVER WILL!! UNLESS I EVER GET TO MEET KARL KENNEDY!!

May
Ogfest 2006 baby! My boyfriend's birthday went off in style, once it was relocated from the pissing rain to the splendour of Wetherspoons. Seethong (other cousin's husband) ended the evening in style by vomiting profusely in our bathroom and waking up Strange African flatmate, who was preaching a sermon the next day. Ha! I'm sure it was just a little test from God Dave.

My good friend alcohol and I made up, and started spending a lot more time together after the abstinence of the winter months. This resulted in a pole dancing session with some people who should have known better.

Oh, and it took me six days to get fed up with Big Brother, much better than last year.

June
Started with a festival and ended with a funeral.

Geri Halliwell gave birth. So did my cat.

July
My birthday! Got drunk, exposed myself and fell asleep in a hedge. Had to endure weeks of boob jokes.

Nikki got kicked off BB which was fabulous. Dave (strange African flatmate) got married. Single women around the world, wept.

August
We found a flat in Brighton. About fucking time, as with the departure of Dave came the arrival of John, the hamster man who got tongue tied around the cat, never mind an actual huiman being. Olly's sister (18) announced her pregnancy and impending marriage to Gypsy Dave, Sussex's answer to Frank Gallagher.

September
Two blue lines in the window! Aaaaargh-snarf-gargh-christ-fuck! Most of this month was spent eating salt and vinegar crisps, crying at the Carphone Warehouse adverts, and punishing my boyfriend for even considering coming near me. Still, at least we had a sea view and a sofa and our own saucepans. I was offered a full time position at work, and managed to make it there at least three times.

October
All over.

A pasty was stolen from Spar in Aberystwyth. Lynn and Paul started an affair on Neighbours. These were bleak times.

November
Tornadoes! In Britain! I spent most of this month making emergency preparations.

Jordan and Peter released their first album, to much critical acclaim.

December
A time for reflection. I must stop watching Neighbours.

So there we have it folks. Hope you've found this little update as entertaining to read as I have to live. The telly has been great this year hasn't it? Here's to a goggle-eyed 2007!

GoingSomewhere

I did quite a lot of laughing.
I travelled to Edinburgh once, Oxford twice, and to the Peak District.
I had a really lovely birthday with my family.
Ditto Christmas.
I knitted some cool garments for my daughter and granddaughter (and her new baby doll). Also for a friend. They were much appreciated, and I must say, admired.
I gardened with my daughter and grew some tasty vegetables and fruit.
I read some novels and saw some films.
I went for walks. I did some thinking.
I blogged a lot. And met some cool people here.
Things didn't quite turn out as I'd planned. I didn't do some of the things I set out to do. But there's always next year. I am, and will be, Going Somewhere.

I think this is a lovely idea, and I'm looking forward to reading all.

Happy New Year.

xx

BrownEyes

Can’t remember a great deal
Won’t go into the lows.

Highlights:
Moving house
The birth of my beautiful niece
Being a Birthing Partner for my best friend, and her OH, and the subsequent birth of Rhys
My little sister graduating and now being a teacher
My niece's wedding
Princess's 7th Birthday

Wasn't all negative after all x

Buzzzy

I'm not gonna do it month by month cuz that could and probably would
take me all year so Im gonna keep it shorty there were good times ahoy (August, September and November and a lil bit of December) the rest was like shite lighting.

August my brother got married and like the true girl that I am, I cried its on video 2 so there is no point in me trying 2 deny it cuz the evidence is all there.

September Robbie Williams a close encounter at Milton Kenyes Bowl
Thursday the 14th finally came and I was up and ready 2 go we (me and cc) got 2 Newport Pagnell just after 2 pm I know cuz Diganosis Murder was on the telly, Newport Pagnell was like Broadstairs but without the sea and sand.
Friday rise and shine at 7pm went shopping and was shitting it a bit I remember starting 2 feel sick with nerves on the bus yes we got the bus 2 the station then we had 2 walk 15 minuites 2 get 2 the bowl. As soon as we started 2 que up they were this peeps from T - Mobile giving out pink and white laynards 2 get one you had 2 pretend Robbie was standing next 2 you while they took your photo (silly I know but I wanted it cuz it had a picture of RW on it
and I wasnt gonna get anything else not half I had 2 get a programme, a set of RW bonoculars and on the way out of the bowl I picked up a poster and a Pink Cowgirl hat Im not the tourest type you know I was born in Oxford.)
In the park just after 2 ish 3 ish we had lunch and then went and taxed a spot next 2 some really nice Aussie girls we chatted for a bit but I think they went 2 find a loo and we never saw them again.
It felt like we had been there 4 years then The Jaxx (Basement Jaxx) came on at 6ish they where very wacky and very loud totally worth seeing.
And then just after 8ish the music starts the music from close encounters that film which Ive never seen but I knew this was it our youth was due on cuz I'd seen it on youtube.
I felt sick and nervous flashes from freedom, feel, advertising space etc came up I didnt know if I was gonna be able 2 do this again but sure enough I survived it and deep down I always knew I would cuz I wouldnt miss him for the world... but then alas it was all over 2 quickly 4 me I wanted to relive it all again.

November 9th My 28th birthday and guess waht I got for my birthday... a period
still I had a good night out with the girls we stayed out til 2am in the belgan bar (I like that place cuz you can get pints and pints of becks yum) talking about work and animals.

December
2nd shit fuck shit no, no way
25th I got a Tigger bag (and I hope Paddy got one 2) and my mum got a new
car from my brother and sister in law its got power stearing, cd player and
all the mod cons she cried bless her I thnk shes just a bit over the moon
and stars about it.

4 out of 8 aint bad its taken me an hour 2 this here 4 month review I could do the other 8 months (insert mental note here will make a better effort next year maybe do a review at the end each calendar month yes I must be more organised like that if only and how long would it last) but I iz a lazy lou.
I have no excuse cuz I could have done it anyday in the last week cuz I aint not been at work you see
Tuesday popped out 2 get some red wine from the co-op
Wednesday, Thursday spend all day in jimmy jams, stuffing face with chocolate,watching crap tv.
friday shopping
saturday shopping brought some crap that I probably wont wear.
sunday out with maz
ROLL ON 2007
CHOOSE LIFE
AND STAY LEGAL
(cant decide which of them statements I likes the best so I put both even though they both kinda saying the same thing)

Juzzzy
http://juzzzy.blog.co.uk

FACT is, I can’t really remember very much about January, February March and April.

I know I went to Porto on a press trip during that time. And I know I rather enjoyed myself. I know my parents’ respective birthdays took place, along with Snails’, during that period, too.

I’m sure a rocket took off here and there, that some famous celebrities died, that thousands more died in the world’s various wars and that pointless political decisions were made in our name for no reason other than the galloping vanity of our leaders.

None of it I can really remember, though - and I don’t want to trawl back through my blog, even, to find out what else did go on.

Because my year began in May. And like an expensive, exploding firework , one with a vast display of bursting colours that seems to sit floating in the sky for an eternity before those same colours suddenly limp away into the gloomy background, it was all over again by August.

It’s unnecessary to go into every detail of what happened - regular readers will know, anyway - but I can tell you, five months later after my split from K, I am still in pain over it every day, physically and mentally.

Since “the incident”, I can no longer sleep on my front (which was always my favoured comfort position) for any prolonged periods. It makes my right collar bone - broken years before and never properly healed - ache like hell.

To turn over in bed makes my neck, spine and shoulder blades creak with agony. Sitting up hurts. Lying on one elbow to read a book is a bloody nightmare.

Then there’s the dreams that come whether I’m awake or asleep.

The ones when I’m asleep are unsettling, sure, but somewhere deep down in my psyche, I at least know they’re only dreams. I wake from them, though, staring at the ceiling, my bones creaking as I shift in my bed.

And then I have my waking dreams: the ones where I’m still saying sorry; where I’m being forgiven and that everything’s alright. Where the one person I’d loved, consistently, for twenty years, albeit from afar, hadn’t been let down in the most ridiculous and stupid way.

So that takes me to mid-August. At the end of that month I went away for The World’s Wettest Week In The World’s Wettest Place - Langdale in the Lake District - with my brother, Mark, who had taken careful notice of the pitiful wretch I’d turned into since the split and was determined to drag me, hillside, to a better place.

(I should note that on Boxing Day, I found out what my other brother did for me during that period: Took those photos of me in the hospital bed and kept them until now to gleefully pass them on. Maybe next year I'll post them...)

The weather was atrocious; my niece and nephew unwittingly hilarious; the dog, Mojo, out of control; and the beer plentiful. It was absolutely bloody brilliant, actually, and I did return a different, much happier, man.

I began to blog in a frenzy around that time, even more than usual. My mother, somewhat worryingly, started reading it, too.

In October I met someone else, and we got on really well.

I had another press trip, this time to Madeira, off the coast of Africa. Lovely place, lovelier people, fucking atrocious PR man (but let’s not go there).

In November we had our Blog Meet, which sadly caused a bit of a stir but in retrospect was a fart bubble in a teacup. On a personal level, I think my head was so far up my own arse in advance of it that I couldn’t see anything other than my own bullshit.

But anyways. The meet was great.

Something ended near the end of that month.

December, and I approach my most miserable time of year. For starters, birthdays on a Tuesday seem so much worse than birthdays on other days, don’t they?

And other stuff was going on. Complicated stuff that fucks up my head and makes me go haywire. I think it must have something to do with seeing everyone else around me get all happy and geared up for jollity. I think my own mask slips, then - tears of a clown, and all that.

Oh, and I got buttfucked by our wages department again. Which helped my mood tremendously.

And then the strangest thing, just yesterday (I write this on December 31).

A text from an old colleague, who was lunching with a girl I lived with many, many years ago. A girl who left me alone for Christmas in London, pretty much split up with me that day, but did't actually leave until five months later. A girl who broke my heart good and proper, the ultimate result of which was my five weeks in the Priory.

She said she wanted to say sorry; that she’d treated me appallingly; that she was ashamed and wanted me to know.

Call it an unburdening of guilt, or a meek wave from someone who’s not sure if I’ll wave back. Call it what you will.

I’m not saying I didn’t have dreams last night; nor that my bones weren’t creaking and shrieking as I did so.

But I did sleep a little easier.

It felt good to hear.

So next year, now of course only hours away, I’ll be doing some unburdening of my own.

x

December 31, 2006

Wouldn't be Sunday without it, would it?

December 31, 2006

Hindermate, noun
A mate who is a hindrance

"Better luck next year, mate," said Nipper.

"Cheers," said Zeds.

And then they clinked their glasses.

December 30, 2006

Not that I'm a bloody big kid or anything.

But.

Ohmygod.

And at last, all will be well with the world once more.

December 30, 2006

I know he was a monster, but...

Is this really necessary?

December 30, 2006

Soodle, verb
To walk, stroll, or saunter in a slow, leisurely manner

"It is raining, you know," said Nipper.

"I know," said Zeds. "But I rather like this look."

December 29, 2006

Erigible, adj
Capable of being erected

"You need to lay off the rum, mate," said Nipper.

December 28, 2006

She is ace, you know.

December 28, 2006

Our parachute jump - date to be fixed, you morbid bastards -
will be taking place over Salisbury Plains.

Now, I've never been to Salisbury Plains.

So I just Googled it.

As you do.

And, well, basically, I'm now thinking - thinking quite seriously - about how impossibly unlucky I can be.

And not just unlucky, either.

But about how much bad karma is sat at the starting blocks glaring at me at the other end of the track, too.

I mean, me...

Falling through the sky...

Fast...

Oh, so very fast...

Presumably with some mad, stoned, long-haired, bleach-blond Australian strapped to my back...

Screaming...

And then the land will be rising up in front of me.

Now, just to be crude for a moment, and I do, of course, apologise in advance; but at that moment, my testicles, those strange, small, frankly ugly but damned important things that have already been through quite enough in this life, will be gaily crusading through the air - according to a physics website I've just been perusing like a fucking bug-eyed madman - at "about" 190km an hour, or 118 miles an hour.

Think about that.

118 miles an hour.

Maximum velocity.

Which means I will be falling so fast - so hard - that I could travel, well, 118 miles.

In one hour.

In mid-air.

Downwards.

Back to my testicles, then.

They will be hurtling towards terra firma faster than I can hope for.

Protected by a mad Australian, some dutch courage, and a piece of canvas.

And at the end of this perilous, danger-filled, fucking insane endeavor, where will those precious globes end up?

Yeah, exactly.

You just know it's going to happen.

I'm going to land on this.

December 28, 2006

This is a repost. Keep them coming to BINDALL (AT) EASY.COM...

Last year, which seems like a long, long time ago (albeit a year that has gone incredibly quickly in my mind, anyways), we, Blogworld, or at least quite a few of us, put together our thoughts and feelings of a year past.

Now, things have changed since then.

People have left.

People have joined.

People have fallen into, and out of, love.

Sex has been had.

Arguments have been lost.

Fragile stuff: lost, found, discovered.

Personally?

It disturbs me that I have met people who now know what a completely useless twat I can be.

It equally disturbs me that most of the Wirral Council press office read me. (Yes, YOU!).

And Liverpool's press office, too (yes, JC - YOU!).

And half of the company that occasionally pays me, too (yes, YOU too, fuckers!)

On the other hand, I like the fact that JD's (Car Crash) World has an audience.

Hey, at least someone reads it...

Anyhoo...

We're hoping to compile, again, an almanac of bloggers' years once again.

So.

Send your year, in whatever format your choose - long, short, concise, verbose, happy, sad, suicidal, inspirational - and, come New Year's Eve, a day I can absolutely promise not being out on, and I'll publish it, at midnight.

Our year, if you like, in our words, all in one go.

The address to send will be bindall AT easy.com.

I may edit it - if only for spelling.

Other than that, it's yours.

If you wonder why I want to do this, go to my tag "year" and look for the title "three hundred and sixty five days" to look at last year's.

It's Christmas.

Go on.

Empty your sack of shite before you get it filled up again next year.

We're only human.

x

December 28, 2006

Keraunoscopia, noun
Fortunetelling by thunder

The rain was thick, heavy, and apparently relentless.

"Christ," said Nipper, wet through and thoroughly pissed off. "This is absolutely bloody pointless, isn't it?"

"Well, yes," said Zeds.

December 27, 2006

Bibliobibuli, noun
Those who read too much, and hence tend to be unaware of or oblivious to the real world

"Oh, just shut up," said Nipper.

Can't blame him, really.

December 26, 2006

Tsunami, noun
A large wave on the ocean, usually caused by an undersea earthquake, a volcanic eruption, or coastal landslide. A tsunami can travel hundreds of miles over the open sea and cause extensive damage when it encounters land. Also called tidal waves.

Two years.

Dominique is on the left of the photo.

December 25, 2006

Teknonymy, noun
Naming the parent after the child

"Excuse me!" shouted the nurse, as she chased the scarpering buzzard down the corridor towards the hospital exit. "I really need to talk to you, Mr Shit."

December 24, 2006

And now that's done, I'm off out.

December 24, 2006

And I really hope you lot do, too.

Merry Christmas.

x

December 24, 2006

Anadipsic , adj
Pertaining to excessive thirst

"Thank God it's Christmas, eh, mate?" said Zeds, clinking glasses.

"I'll say," said Nipper.

December 23, 2006

This is a repost. Keep them coming...

Last year, which seems like a long, long time ago (albeit a year that has gone incredibly quickly in my mind, anyways), we, Blogworld, or at least quite a few of us, put together our thoughts and feelings of a year past.

Now, things have changed since then.

People have left.

People have joined.

People have fallen into, and out of, love.

Sex has been had.

Arguments have been lost.

Fragile stuff: lost, found, discovered.

Personally?

It disturbs me that I have met people who now know what a completely useless twat I can be.

It equally disturbs me that most of the Wirral Council press office read me. (Yes, YOU!).

And Liverpool's press office, too (yes, JC - YOU!).

And half of the company that occasionally pays me, too (yes, YOU too, fuckers!)

On the other hand, I like the fact that JD's (Car Crash) World has an audience.

Hey, at least someone reads it...

Anyhoo...

We're hoping to compile, again, an almanac of bloggers' years once again.

So.

Send your year, in whatever format your choose - long, short, concise, verbose, happy, sad, suicidal, inspirational - and, come New Year's Eve, a day I can absolutely promise not being out on, and I'll publish it, at midnight.

Our year, if you like, in our words, all in one go.

The address to send will be bindall AT easy.com.

I may edit it - if only for spelling.

Other than that, it's yours.

If you wonder why I want to do this, go to my tag "year" and look for the title "three hundred and sixty five days" to look at last year's.

It's Christmas.

Go on.

Empty your sack of shite before you get it filled up again next year.

We're only human.

x

December 23, 2006

To Teri_R.

Fear not - tonight, or tomorrow, you'll be Santa'd.

December 23, 2006

"Try the cock," suggests Helen Mirren.

Brilliant.

December 23, 2006

Palpebrate, verb
To wink

"No!" cried Zeds, more than a little horrified at his feathered friend. "I said wink."

December 22, 2006

After today, the nights are getting shorter.

December 22, 2006

One of my colleagues is wearing a musical Christmas tie.

No, really.

Kill me now.

December 22, 2006

Penisterophily, noun
Raising and training pigeons

"You're joking, aren't you?" wondered Nipper.

But Zeds wasn't. Not even a bit.

December 21, 2006

I've recently finished reading a book written by my old Daily Mirror mate, Chris Hughes.

It's called "Road Trip To Hell", it's about the dozen or so times he's been in Iraq since 9/11, and it is insightful and interesting and sad and absolutely fucking hilarious in equal measure.

Hughesy makes absolutely no pretence at being an expert on the situation over there: he just tells you as he has seen it.

Seriously, give it a go. Strongly recommended.

* In other news, Hughesy and I were once forced to dress up in the camp Batman and Robin outfits of that 1970s TV series and run around London, including Leicester Square, posing for pictures, before ending our entirely humiliating day in Stringfellows having a meal. The headline - which eventually ended up on page 4004 between the cartoons and the star signs - was "Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner...." It was, naturally, absolutely fucking shite.

I was Robin, by the way.

December 21, 2006

Bearing in mind that the nation's police forces are still working on the prostitutes' murders in Suffolk - and that little ol' local papers like ours aren't kept up to date with developments there - I was slightly concerned by the following, which arrived about five minutes ago.

Thursday 21 December 2006

STOLEN DYSON VACUUM CLEANERS

HUMBERSIDE Police are looking for trace to more then 100 Dyson vacuum cleaners which were stolen in Hull on Sunday.

The vacuum cleaners were taken from a haulage yard on Littlefair Road, Hull just after midnight on 17 December 2006.

A red tipper truck was also stolen from the yard but has been recovered in Whiston Merseyside.

The 117 Dyson’s stolen are valued at 150 pounds each.

Officers would like trace the vacuum cleaners and believe they could be being sold on markets and at car boot sales.

Humberside Police are warning anyone who gets offered a deal which is too to be true then it probably is.

Officers recommend buying electrical items from a reputable supplier.

Anyone who is offered a Dyson vacuum cleaner and believe it may be connected with this incident should contact Humberside Police on 0845 60 60 222.

Sucks, doesn't it?

December 21, 2006

Bollocks.

Yes, Nick.

You can do that clucking noise again.

December 21, 2006

Yes - you may well ask why.

Well, let me tell you.

They're playing Slade in the office.

'Nuff said.

Pint of lager, some pickled onion crisps and a noose, please, barman.

December 21, 2006

Rather amusing "what's in a name?" type thing.

Mine?

"Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful and overweight."

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Don't look at Nick's, by the way...

December 21, 2006

Happy whatever.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=f6e983f9dc9c4962423b8c2G20061209

EDIT: Hmmmm. That didn't work. Instead of me, that's Snail. Anyway, you get the picture (or don't). Go make your elves.

December 21, 2006

Fartleberries, noun
Excrement clinging to the hairs around the anus

"That," declared Zeds, with the air of a man who had not gone to bed before 4.30am at the earliest and was not so much looking dishevelled but a downright fucking disgrace, "is revolting."

"I know," agreed Nipper. "In my day, they were called clumpy winnets."

December 20, 2006

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or the secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

In addition, please also accept my best wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007; but not without the due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, whose contributions to society have helped make this country great (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any other country or area of choice), and without regard to race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual orientation of the wishers.

This is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended, nor shall it be considered, to be limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organised or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).

Note: By accepting this greeting you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable, with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wisher her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation, or non-implementation, of it.

This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

December 20, 2006

There's nothing quite like a natural disaster to whet the appetite for shameless publicity among our great and good world leaders.

They obscenely clamber over one another to be first in front of the cameras to "pledge" this and "pledge" that, with grave faces, teary eyes and a wavering tone.

And then, of course, once the cameras have gone and the story has effectively died, they proceed to do as little as inhumanly possible.

Take the Asian tsunami in which over 200,000 people died and millions more were left homeless.

At the time, just under two years ago, you couldn't turn on a television or open a newspaper without being overwhelmed by the deluge of these breathless wankers "pledging" their first born children and worldly goods to the poor and needy.

But it was empty rhetoric.

According to BBC2's Newsnight, the UN Department for Aid and Development is tracking the $6.7bn (£3.4bn) of money which has been "pledged".

Half of that - $3.3bn - has still not been spent. And guess why?

"The Red Cross around the world has been given more than $2.2bn. According to their own figures, most of that - $1.3bn - is still in the bank," says the BBC.

"The Red Cross promised to build 50,000 permanent houses in Indonesia, Sri Lanka and the Maldives. So far only 8,000 have been completed.

"The British Red Cross contracted to build over 2,000 houses and have so far completed 16 - although another 300 are nearly ready."

SIXTEEN HOUSES! WHOOPEE!

And it gets better.

According to the UNDAD database, Spain promised $60m in aid but has actually delivered less than $1m.

France pledged $79m but has come up with just over $1m.

The Chinese promised even more - $301m - and delivered just $1m.

In the Maldives, Kuwait allocated just under $10m but they have yet to spend a single cent.

And in Indonesia, the good ol' US of A promised over $400m. So far, it has delivered less than $70m.

Then again, it is a bit pricy fighting those pesky Eye-rakkies.

The UNDAD told Newsnight: "All the figures are confirmed, therefore you can be sure they are accurate."

Merry Christmas!

December 20, 2006

Vellicate, verb
To pull at, off, or out with a sudden jerk; to pluck; or to move with spasmodic convulsions; twitch

"Are you alright?" asked Zeds, a tad concerned.

"I am now," said Nipper, flushed.

December 19, 2006

Go here for a brilliant piece of writing.

December 19, 2006

Things about blog.co.uk that continue to get right on my breasticles:

1. The fact that there has been a phantom Private Post alert on my home page for months and months and months now.

2. The fact that I still have absolutely no idea what a Trackback is or does, despite Paddy having the good grace to explain it to me some time ago (sorry, was too embarrassed to admit it at the time, but I just didn't understand).

3. Ditto the Permalink thing.

4. I keep getting emails saying there's a new comment on a certain post when There Sodding Well Isn't.

5. It hasn't got a bar.

December 19, 2006

And that's after a cup of the finest, most barley-filled chicken broth (Daggers') money can buy.

Brandy Alexanders indeed...

December 19, 2006

This is a repost. Keep them coming...

Last year, which seems like a long, long time ago (albeit a year that has gone incredibly quickly in my mind, anyways), we, Blogworld, or at least quite a few of us, put together our thoughts and feelings of a year past.

Now, things have changed since then.

People have left.

People have joined.

People have fallen into, and out of, love.

Sex has been had.

Arguments have been lost.

Fragile stuff: lost, found, discovered.

Personally?

It disturbs me that I have met people who now know what a completely useless twat I can be.

It equally disturbs me that most of the Wirral Council press office read me. (Yes, YOU!).

And Liverpool's press office, too (yes, JC - YOU!).

And half of the company that occasionally pays me, too (yes, YOU too, fuckers!)

On the other hand, I like the fact that JD's (Car Crash) World has an audience.

Hey, at least someone reads it...

Anyhoo...

We're hoping to compile, again, an almanac of bloggers' years once again.

So.

Send your year, in whatever format your choose - long, short, concise, verbose, happy, sad, suicidal, inspirational - and, come New Year's Eve, a day I can absolutely promise not being out on, and I'll publish it, at midnight.

Our year, if you like, in our words, all in one go.

The address to send will be bindall AT easy.com.

I may edit it - if only for spelling.

Other than that, it's yours.

If you wonder why I want to do this, go to my tag "year" and look for the title "three hundred and sixty five days" to look at last year's.

It's Christmas.

Go on.

Empty your sack of shite before you get it filled up again next year.

We're only human.

x

December 19, 2006

No prizes for guessing how much I just love this time of year, then...

December 19, 2006

Cherubimical, adj
Drunk

Zeds and Nipper were sat at opposite ends of the tin bath, both with bags of ice on their heads.

"Blimey," said the Many Consonanted One. "That was a heavy night. What did Daggers give us again at his birthday dinner?"

"Dinner?" groaned the buzzard. "Dinner? I don't remember any lumpy stuff. But we definitely started with champagne...."

"Urgh - yes, I remember now..."

"Then we had more champagne..."

"Christ, yes..."

"Then we had Brandy Alexanders - brandy and champagne together, basically. Several of those..."

"...and several more, as I recall..."

"Then we had more champagne, and then we had a bottle of heavy claret, which probably wasn't too wise on top of everything else."

"And then I went home and had a glass or two of rosé with the Clampetts. Christ," said Zeds. "No wonder I still feel a tad cherubimical this morning."

"Christ indeed," nodded Nipper, before he slipped under the water.

December 18, 2006

Autothaumaturgist, noun
The coy or cagey person whose mission is to appear mysterious or quite remarkable

"What do you mean, exactly," asked Nipper, "when you say you didn't 'quite' get to Austria?"

"I mean I didn't 'quite' get there," said Zeds.

"So you didn't go."

"No."

"Why not?"

"I got sidetracked."

"You're not going to tell me, are you?"

"No," said Zeds. "And not least of all because it's none of your business."

December 17, 2006

And sadly, I'm not joking.

December 17, 2006

Perfricate, verb
To rub thoroughly

"Er, what are you doing?" asked Zeds.

"Nothing," said Nipper, meekly, as he shoved the magazine under the cushion.

December 16, 2006

Sockdolager, noun
A telling blow

"So," said Nipper. "One last time. What was it that happened when that Thai girl found out you'd been seeing someone else?"

December 15, 2006

Right.

So I'm definitely going to Salzburg on Sunday.

Just for the night, mind.

Been checking out the menu at the K+K Restaurant am Waagplatz, where we will be dining on Sunday eve courtesy of Manchester Airport Plc.

Sadly, I don't know any German - apart from hamburger, hotdog, beer and nein. (Which means, knowing my luck, I'll go to the bar and order "nine beers, frauline" and come away with nothing.)

So God knows what I'll be eating.

Apart from dessert, of course.

Even I know that Helles und dunkles Schokoladenmousse mit Sauerkirschen means light and dark chocolate mousse with kirsch. And cabbage.

See you Monday...

x

December 15, 2006

Wee Willie Winkie,
Running through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs,
In his nightgown,
Rapping at the window,
And crying through the lock,
Are all the children in their beds?
It's past eight o'clock.

Wee Willie Winkie,
Dying for a wee,
Running fast right down the stairs,
And What Does He See?
Hunchback in the bedroom,
Riding on her hub,
Making Willie almost puke,
As she's squelching like a grub.

Wee Willie Winkie,
Runs back to the loft,
Holding hands across his ears,
Wishing it would stop,
The sight of hunchy thrusting,
Grimacing with every squat,
Is not a thing that Willie likes,
Not, not, not!

In other, entirely unrelated news, from now on, if I really need a waz in the middle of the night I'll be doing it out of the window.

December 15, 2006

Pleased to meet you.

I like cheese.

December 15, 2006

..and his name is Holy Moly.

In this week's mailout - which you really all should subscribe to (it's free) - he writes:

Remember when Grandma told her stories about the war? It was all about the Spirit of the Blitz and how communities united in a common cause against adversity because they were determined, despite the loss of their houses and every possession, to carry on and fight for what they believed in.

Well, Grandma can fuck off. If you want to see real suffering, don't bother with the war, or the hundreds of thousands killed in Rwanda in the 90s. Turn around genocide in Bosnia, you're not welcome here. The forced starvation of thousands of Zimbabweans as we type? Don't make us laugh, you whining maggots.

THIS is real suffering, with a human face.

It was probably typed (sobs) on a borrowed laptop! Why do they have to be so bloody brave?
There were clementines on the limestone floor, you heartless bastard!

Brilliant.

December 15, 2006

border="0" alt="You are .exe When given proper orders, you execute them flawlessly. You're familiar to most, and useful to all."/>
Which File Extension are You?

December 15, 2006

border="0" alt="You are .swf You are flashy, but lack substance. You like playing, but often you are annoying. Grow up."/>
Which File Extension are You?

Don't even think about it...

December 15, 2006

Then spare a thought for this man.

December 15, 2006

Olisbos, noun
A dildo

"Pssst," whispered the man in the beret. "Olisbos for sale, good price, no?"

"Piss off!" cried Nipper. "If I want girl on girl action, I'll find my own - you dirty Spanish bastard."

December 14, 2006

Which, in the real world, is more likely:

1) She was tracked by shadowy cold-blooded killers from MI5 and MI6 to Paris where her car was targetted and chased by one of those well-known spy vehicles - a white, um, Fiat Uno - as it was also being pursued by about a dozen of the maddest and most fearless (and most irresponsible) "photographers" in the world, with all four parties weaving in and out of already mad Parisian traffic (and if you've ever actually driven there, like I have, you'll know what I mean) at high speed when a special strobe light which wasn't seen by anyone else flashed into her driver Henri Paul's eyes, sending him careering into the 13th pillar and killing everyone in the car but the (thankfully brain damaged) bodyguard?

Then, in a remarkable cover up by the French authorities who are known for their absolute cherished love of the English and all they represent, her secret pregnancy was covered up by them and her body interred before anyone could do any "proper" checks on her*.

Oh, and she was getting married to Dodi, too, just for good measure. Which is highly likely, seeing as she was in love with a (Muslim) surgeon, Hasnat Khan, at the time (something, incidentally, the royals were quite happy about because he was "respectable", but Dr Khan, on the other hand, seemed quite horrified by, because of all the intrusiveness a brief relationship with Diana had already brought).

Or:

2) Her pissed driver made a schoolboy driving judgement error that had rather more grown up consequences which might not have turned out quite so bad had he a) not crashed into a concrete pillar at high speed and b) insisted on all his passengers, particularly the mother of the next Queen of England and the Ultimate Trophy Girlfriend of his mad boss's wayward son, wear a seatbelt?

See? (Although the conspiracy theorists will never see, I know that...)

Having been slightly nearer to the (what turned out to be, aside from the individual involved, extraordinarily tedious) "action" than perhaps a lot of people at the time, I can assure you that while the royals wouldn't have exactly been rejoicing from the rooftops had Diana ended up with Dodi - which is extremely doubtful, despite Mohammed al Fayed's assertions otherwise - it would at least have provided a perfect excuse to excommunicate her even further than they already had done, and to diminish her public support (on the grounds that most royalists are horrible old white racists and hate shady Mr Al Fayed for heinously combining the twin crimes of having a different skin colour and owning Harrods).

If it was you or me, you wouldn't question it again.

Shit happens.

Now, can I have permission to give a monkey's about something that happened more recently than 19-bastarding-97 and that has been examined, unearthed, turned over and turned inside out more times than a cadaver in a lab at a polytechnic for people with learning difficulties?

Darfur, anyone?

* May 1, 2004:

FORMER Royal coroner Dr John Burton says Princess Diana was not pregnant at the time of her death, scotching rumours to the contrary.

"I was actually present when she was examined," Burton said. "She wasn't pregnant. I have seen into her womb.

"She had only met Dodi [al Fayed] six weeks before. Even if she got pregnant the first time she met him, that he shook hands and got her pregnant, the baby would only be six weeks old at most.

"It doesn't stop everybody wanting to believe it."

December 14, 2006

Nipperkin, noun
Amount of liquor roughly equivalent to a half pint

"A nipperkin of cheeky Vimto, please, barman," said Zeds, while stood at the bar of The Fishmonger's Grinder.

Then, with his half pint of crazy juice, he turned to see Nipper and his thirty-or-so strong wake sat looking expectantly up at him from the other side of the room.

"Go on, then, get the ale in," said the buzzard, gesturing towards the impatient expressions on the faces of the malevolent-looking feathered brethren. "We're waiting."

December 13, 2006

With apologies to Nipper, obviously.

December 13, 2006

As police hunt the killer of five women found strangled within days of each other in a small town in sleepy Sufflok, the majestic British Broadcasting Corporation leads its website today with the news that:

"Botswana Bushmen In Legal Setback."

Good. Grief.

EDIT: At 5.45pm, the world site changed to lead on the above story.

RE-EDIT: By 6.20pm, it was changed again - this time to a story of real worldwide significance, regarding HIV.

December 13, 2006

Or, rather, the "Mass Murder On An Unprecedented Scale" Airline Terror Plot that the Government would really like you to forget about?

At the time - it was August, when only one or two people like to go on holiday, of course - I along with many others wanted to know what the evidence and intelligence the security services had to justify holding up our air traffic network and causing untold misery and delays to millions of passengers.

We weren't allowed to know, however, because of "national security".

In the end, however, despite sealing off houses and rounding up a load of Muslim-looking Brits, they found absolutely nothing - no ticking bombs, no ignition switches, no lethal gas - and put up a few minor anti-terror charges of which I can virtually guarantee will all either be quietly dropped (and then immediately followed with wrongful arrest lawsuits) or result in not guilty verdicts.

They also later admitted, again under sufferance, that they knew that no actual terror plot was banned for that day after all. Or, in other words, that their shut down of the airports and the Draconian security measures introduced thereafter were completely unnecessary.

(Stay with me - I'm almost there!)

The Government was eventually forced to reveal that the reason all the raids, arrests and airport shutdowns took place was because the US - yes, that mighty and hugely intelligent country that has Tweedle Dum in the White House - wanted to arrest a British national in Pakistan, accusing him of being linked to an airline terror plot.

They wouldn't wait, and so our guys had to act (in case the man alerted his alleged co-conspirators in the UK and Armageddon itself began).

That man was called Rashid Rauf.

Just look what's happened to him today.

Watch it, ladies - now you can get arrested for buying hair dye.

* Coming Up Next On The Lunchtime News: Home Secretary "Dr" John Reid bans Santa Claus from entering British airspace - if Dick Cheney tells him to, anyway.

December 13, 2006

Fubsy, adj
Short and stout

Nipper was so angry he could barely speak.

"If you ever, ever, call me that again," he squawked, breathless with rage. "I'll, I'll, I'll...."

"You'll what, exactly?" barked Zeds. "Eat another mince pie?"

December 13, 2006

On the grounds that everyone is somebody's child, don't assume the worst.

December 12, 2006

This year, I bloody demand and determinedly want,

1) Halle Berry, smeared in butter. And good butter, too, you old bastard. Not any of that Aldi shite.

2) Hally Berry, again, smeared in Ambrosia Devon Custard. There. You've got two choices. Fuck it up, and you're dead. Cunt.

3) Hally Berry. Wrapped up in crisp £50 notes. Re-wrapped in Government bonds. Sealed in platinum strips. With angels guarding the stock. Okay?

4) Halle Berry. Spread nude across Saturn itself. With a collection of outrageous sex toys (not, of course, that I'll need them). And lots, and lots, of Space Lego.

5) A Slinky. And some bloody stairs to play with it on.

6) A Rubic's- (and then they took him to the hospital...)

December 12, 2006

Last year, which seems like a long, long time ago (albeit a year that has gone incredibly quickly in my mind, anyways), we, Blogworld, or at least quite a few of us, put together our thoughts and feelings of a year past.

Now, things have changed since then.

People have left.

People have joined.

People have fallen into, and out of, love.

Sex has been had.

Arguments have been lost.

Fragile stuff: lost, found, discovered.

Personally?

It disturbs me that I have met people who now know what a useless twat I can be.

It equally disturbs me that most of the Wirral Council press office read me. (Yes, YOU!).

And Liverpool's press office, too (yes, JC - YOU!).

And half of the company that occasionally pays me, too (yes, YOU too, fuckers!)

On the other hand, I like the fact that JD'S (Car Crash) World has an audience.

Hey, at least someone reads it...

Anyhoo...

We're hoping to compile, again, an almanac of bloggers' years once again.

So.

Send your year, in whatever format your choose - long, short, concise, verbose, happy, sad, suicidal, inspirational - and, come New Year's Eve, a day I can absolutely promise not being out on, and I'll publish it, at midnight.

Our year, if you like, in our words, all in one go.

The address to send will be bindall AT easy.com.

I may edit it - if only for spelling.

Other than that, it's yours.

If you wonder why I want to do this, go to my tag "year" and look for the title "three hundred and sixty five days" to look at last year's.

It's Christmas.

Go on.

Empty your sack of shite before you get it filled up again next year.

We're only human.

x

December 12, 2006

Thirteen days until Christmas.

Anyone else absolutely dreading it?

Christ, I am.

But.

Just got an email this afternoon.

From my friend, Ingrid, whose 17-year-old daughter, Dominique, died in the Asian tsunami on Boxing Day '04.

Wishing me the very best for the season.

Saying she and the rest of her family were flying out there again on the 19th.

They're going, of course, to stand on the beach at Koh Phi Phi and light a candle again, to say goodbye, to say hello, to just say "hi", too, on 26/12.

I sent her my best regards back again. What else do you say, really?

However.

Quite extraordinary.

What a lovely lady.

Creaky I might be, this last day or so.

Depressed, I will not be.

Later, I'll write my letter to Santa and blog it up.

Anyone fancy joining me?

December 12, 2006

I am unusually ill.

Normally, the only thing I suffer from is a hangover.

And they aren't particularly bad - I usually just need more sleep than I've allowed to sleep it off (see Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, then).

But this is different.

For two days, I've hardly slept a wink (at night, anyway), my guts feel wretched and my body aches.

My legs feel worn out, too, although god knows why because the only thing I really use them for is walking me to the bathroom and back.

My creaking, aching upper torso - still buggered from my Get Yourself Dumped For Good By Smashing Your Face Into The Pavement Episode in August - is even more creaky and painful than usual.

I haven't got a cold, though, so I can't blame it on Good Old Reliable Man Flu.

And no, I haven't had a drink (since Sunday), so it's not that.

But I haven't smoked a cigarette, either, so maybe my sponge-like cells are merely shrieking out for a fix of one thing or another.

I just don't know. But I'm not in the mood for either of those things, either.

So it must be serious...

In other news, I see the Festive Blues are now fully upon us.

Charlie appears to be going, Kay's blog is down, others left ages ago never to return; the bitching about Paddy's Bloscars has already begun (yes, I do read other blogs even if I don't necessarily comment on them); the weather's rubbish, it's really cold, and, on a personal note, I'm preparing for my annual Why Don't You Pay Me On Time frustration with work.

Seeing as there's absolutely nothing else to do apart from watch Murder She Wrote, and everyone is so quiet, I might just have to delve into the Thai Tales drawer and see what's gathering dust.

December 12, 2006

Knipperdolling, noun
A disciple of Bernhard Knipperdollinck, a German Anabaptist fanatic and polygamist; or any fanatic

"But I love you, Nipper," sobbed the chicken, tears pouring down her face. "I really do - you're everything to me."

"I know, doll, and I'm sorry," replied the buzzard. "But it'll never work. And not least because I quite like KFC every now and then."

December 11, 2006

Monorchid, adj
Having one testicle

"You see?" shouted Nipper, as a parachute-clad Zeds dithered at the plane door. "I always said you lacked balls."

December 10, 2006

I'm quite ashamed that for so long, the people I never listened to are the ones who so most needed to be heard.

Hear them.

December 10, 2006

I've just watched the most saddest, yet most uplifting, thing.

Pub.

This afternoon.

A lady, I don't know, of about 80 or so. At least older, anyway.

She ordered two J2Os, two coffees, a packet of Steak 'n' Onion Crisps.

Like people do.

I left the pub.

Watched the football, elsewhere.

Got bored.

So, we went back.

She's still there.

Three hours later.

Crisps still open, uneaten, on the table.

One J2O untouched.

Coffee, too, cold but perfect, sat before an empty seat.

I didn't have to ask the barmaid, true, but it's what I do.

"Every Sunday," she told me. "Every Sunday she does this."

And then added, simply, with sincerity:

"She misses him."

x

December 10, 2006

Kakorrhaphiophobia, noun
Fear of failure

Nipper just held him, close.

December 9, 2006

Threpterophilia, noun
A fondness for female nurses

"Nipper!" cried Zeds. "You just bloody fell out of that tree! Why didn't you try to fly?"

"Just shut up," murmured the smirking buzzard, slightly dazed, "and get me to a hospital.

December 8, 2006

Just wondered.

December 8, 2006

Enjoy your weekend x

December 8, 2006

Very upsetting news story....

December 8, 2006

December 8, 2006

So that's the Helsinki trip off, then.

Karma?

Darn.

Still.

I can now practise my skydiving skills on the office beanbag - so it's not all bad.

December 8, 2006

Euneirophrenia, noun
Peace of mind after a pleasant dream

Zeds swallowed a huge, gulping yawn, before refilling his coffee cup and reaching for the Pro-Plus.

"You look absolutely knackered," declared Nipper, thickly buttering his toast while simultaneously hoping Zeds wouldn't notice all the Marmite had gone.

"I am, too. And so would you be if you'd been up all night arguing."

"Eh? Who with?"

"My staff. My bloody, bastard staff. We all went to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant on a company freebie, minus drinks, and had a whale of a time. But the japesters thought it would be a great wheeze to put all their drinks on my bill."

"And you didn't notice?"

"No. I got plastered, they slowly wandered off, and I got stuck with a £545 booze bill."

"Wh-at?"

"I know," said Zeds. "And when I woke up freezing cold at 2.45am this morning, alone, in the dark, with my bedsheet wrapped around my ankles again, having not ever been to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant with any of the staff I don't have, it didn't make me any less pissed off, I can tell you."

"Nasty," said Nipper. "I bet it was one of those dreams you kept going back into all night, too, eh? A tosser and turner, so to speak?"

"Well of course. You can never get back into the nice ones, can you?"

"No," agreed Nipper. "What a nightmare."

Zeds glared.

December 7, 2006

Can someone call the police about this?

Right now?

December 7, 2006

December 7, 2006

I watched the repeated last episode of This Life last night.

Quite amazing - it really has stood the test of time.

The reunion, Ten Years On, gets screened on January 2.

Obviously, that's less than a flaming month, so why, then, did I have to bloody well Google it?

It doesn't give absolutely everything away, but for anyone else who wants a taster of what happens when they all get back together - and I'd genuinely recommend not doing this, but there you are - go here:

December 7, 2006

And hurrah!

Only months and months and months and months and months to worry about it...

December 7, 2006

Erinaceous, adj
Pertaining to the hedgehog

"Youch!" cried Nipper, scuttling backwards out of the mulberry bush and landing heavily on his backside. "Jee-zuss!"

He rubbed his beak tentatively, then examined the end of his wing for blood.

"Honestly - do you have to be so prickly?"

December 6, 2006

I have just been talked into - via a bet, that is - a parachute jump.

Now, I am fucking terrified of heights.

Petrified, even.

Still, I can't welsh a bet, as they say round these parts.

Death Becomes Me.

* Shall I film it?

December 6, 2006

Lobcock, noun
A dull, sluggish lout; or a large, relaxed penis

"You just couldn't resist it, could you?" said Nipper.

"Sadly, no," said Zeds.

December 5, 2006

Clyster, noun
An injection into the anus; an enema

Zeds sat blushing furiously in the living room, having been, prior to that very second at least, absolutely convinced he was in the house alone.

"Jesus!" said Nipper, his eyes spinning. "What are you doing? I said, take the candlebra up to the cloisters."

December 5, 2006

Skibbile, adj
Wonderfully witty; sexually irresistible

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha," squawked Nipper. "Hu, hu, hu, huuuuuuuuuuuuuhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."

He paused for a moment, wiped tears from his eyes with a swipe of his wing, then said: "I mean, you are joking, aren't you?"

"Look," said Zeds. "It's my birthday and I'll lie if I want to."

December 4, 2006

I know modern medicine has moved on somewhat significantly since biblical times, but even so, the benchmark for an average lifespan, when you take into account the millions who die ridiculously young in places like Africa, remains at about 70 years old.

This is really not good.

Not least because tomorrow, somewhere around the 2.20am mark, I'm going to be 36.

Officially halfway on my journey to the Dance With The Grim Reaper, then.

In other news, one of the six or seven hairs on my chest is completely grey.

In yet more news, our office is right next door to a funeral parlour.

And finally, as Sir Trevor might have put it, my old fractured collar bone is starting to ache with the cold.

Zimmer frames and incontinent pants to the usual address, please.

December 4, 2006

Schoenabatist, noun
A tightrope walker

"Why are you walking so strangely and speaking in that bizarre falsetto?" asked Nipper, after watching Zeds stagger around the room in apparent agony, with both hands protectively covering his crotch.

"Let's just put it this way," squeaked Zeds. "I need to work more on my schoenabatics."

December 03, 2006

Because it was always on on Sundays.

December 3, 2006

Coulrophobia, noun
An irrational fear of clowns

"But why?" asked Zeds. "You can't be that scared of them."

"Oh, I don't know," argued Nipper. "You know what they say about men with big feet."

December 2, 2006

Chthonophagia, noun
An irresistable urge to eat earth

"And that," said Nipper, quite definitively, "is why I don't like chickens."

December 1, 2006

Scungilaginous, noun
Of the semifluid gelatinous consistency of the male genitalia

"Sorry, but I just can't believe there's an actual word for that," said Nipper.

"Nevertheless," said Zeds, and not a little grandly, "apparently, there is."

"Well, fuck me," declared the buzzard.

"Do you mind if I don't? I doubt I'd even get a semi."