May 11, 2006

So I've been paid. Finally. Here are the things I should now go and do right away.

1. Get a haircut. This is quite an urgent priority. I look like Michael Douglas - but without his looks (or his wife, for that matter).

2. Buy some more hideously expensive but entirely necessary Mach 3 razor blades. I'll never look anything quite like the bloke in the adverts, but as long as I use his blades, I can at least pretend. And they are, I'm told, the best a man can get.

3. Take my suits to the dry-cleaners. Before they walk there themselves.

4. Buy a new suit. Or better still, take M out for a beer or two and - lo and behold, by Jimminey and by Jove! - walk past the bespoke tailors where he has an account.

5. And some double-cuffed shirts that I look so darn good in. They sell those, too.

6. Buy two bottles of Amarone - one for me and K to share tonight, while M is at work, and one for M and K to share tomorrow before coming to free me from jail, which is where I'm bound to end up after Liverpool win the FA Cup.

7. Lots and lots of credit for *that* phone. This will enable me to phone lots more bloggers late at night when drunk, which I know they absolutely love me doing. How do I know this? From the coy, teasing silences that come shortly before the sound of a dial tone.

8. A brand new, all-singing, all-dancing, got-everything-including-Centrino but very, very stolen IBM laptop for £350.

9. A Euro-Millions ticket for tonight. Seeing as I'm so lucky.

10. Funnel away a few quid for my Ollydaze.

However...

Only a couple of the above are likely to happen, as, like my friend Andy has just said in the most pertinent text message of my entire, godforsaken life:

"Sun's out, and they have just opened. All planets lined up for beer."

che