May 15, 2008

May 15, 2008

Quench*, verb
To drink enough to take away one's thirst

Sheer, utter, brilliance.

Great minds clearly do think alike. Thank you, you x

* And yes. I know it's Drench. But they're still fucking advertisers. And look at my profile.

May 14, 2008

Lawyers - and especially lawyers who become politicians - really are wankers, aren't they?

What do you bet the idiot behind this never lived in Leeds in the 70s?

May 14, 2008

Cough.

May 14, 2008

Gymnure, noun
Hairy hedgehog

"So," said Zeds. "Am I right in thinking you brought a bird back here last night?"

"Something like that," said Nipper, a little ruefully.

"Ah. I see. I bit like yourself, then?"

"Eh?"

"Unkempt."

May 13, 2008

Check out the outrageous APR limits on these friendly loan sharks advertising on Facebook - their teeth dripping with the blood of devoured victims.

Outrageous.

May 13, 2008

Incredible.

Eight weeks after discovering that no one in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland had the slightest respect or time for him - apart, of course, from the craven, hapless stooge that is Alistair Darling and the quite shudderingly vile lickspittle creep, the smug frog-eyed legend in his own mirror that is Ed "Cock" Balls - Gordon Fucking Brooon has suddenly discovered a way of "finding" £2.7 billion to entirely rewrite his disastrous 2008 budget.

And why?

Because if the original budget stayed, Labour as a group would have rallied and rebelled against it - as they've done already led by Frank Field - and very definitely voted against it, and would effectively sack Broooon.

And Brooon, who has never been elected Prime Minister, and has never been elected leader of the Labour Party, just couldn't stomach that, could he?

God knows why the electorate should demand a transparent Government, eh?

Phew.

So, anyway, obfuscating ditherer that he is, he's opted to find a sticking plaster solution to a fatal wound.

He'll stay for now. But that's it.

"A cascade of events" against them, Jon Snow has just described it on C4 News.

Enjoy watching them fall: Brooon's political life will be over by Christmas.

What a bunch of unutterably conniving politically immature bastards, imbued with a sense of entitlement that belies any sense of aptness or basic deserve.

Hang on all you like by your non-fingernails, Brooon: We all know you can still hear the wind blowing.

May 13, 2008

Gynaecomastia, noun
Male breasts

"I need to lose weight," said Nipper, looking in the mirror. "I look like a right tit."

"Funny you should say that..." said Zeds.

May 12, 2008

Our new young friend, Hannah, started her two-week work experience with us today.

I'm not sure how old she is, but I'd guess around 15.

As the pseudo middle-manager type person, it is my wont to have these young would-be scribes sat next to me at the spare desk.

Imagine my delight, then, when, as the incredibly shy teenager sat there staring at her Facebook homepage, I realised I needed a notebook from inside my suit jacket, and upon retrieving it, also managed to pull out a Durex Tingle For Extra Pleasure condom, too.

Excellent.

No doubt I'll be arrested at dawn.

May 12, 2008

Gordon Broooon, the self-styled big beast of the political jungle, is now completely at the mercy of the piranhas that he himself taught to sense a trace of blood and go in for the kill.

This is magnificent political theatre for those interested, because we're witnessing the locust-like swarm of destruction descending on Brooon's every word and deed.

They know they've got him. He knows they've got him.

It is merely a matter of time before he wilts under the onslaught.

Here's our local MP, Frank Field, who has led this campaign from the front and clearly has no intention of stopping now. You'll need speakers or earphones:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7395677.stm

May 12, 2008

Scapegrace, noun
A man or boy of reckless and disorderly habits; an incorrigible scamp

Nipper glared balefully down at his dripping feathers, and if he had fists, he would have shaken them with rage.

"If you ever, ever, even think about doing that bucket-on-top-of-the-door thing again," he squawked, with a shiver, "I actually will kill you."

May 11, 2008

Poetry in motion.

May 11, 2008

Eftsoons, verb
Soon after

"Hmm," said Nipper. "Huh - uhmmmmmm."

"Don't," said Zeds. "Not now."

May 11, 2008

They want the same for their kids as anyone else. Security, a safe place to go and play, an opportunity to earn a living, some bloody respect. In short, to be given a chance.

And I find it difficult to understand, let alone forgive, those who DO have the power, the influence and the ability to change things. Yet they do nothing. Well, nothing other that spin deceit and platitudes and then sit back toasting their own smug brilliance.

Go here. He's brilliant.

May 10, 2008

Every single day, the Sub Prime Ministerial reign of Gordon Broooooon shatters through yet more glass floors, his flailing, dithering, mithering fingers unable to reach anything other than the button to activate that terrifying* rictus "I am clearly shit at electioneering and should have listened to Tony after all" grin.

There is nothing this man cannot do correctly.

And now he's got the dreaded backseat driver, too.

Go on, Gordy. Do us and yourself a favour and just piss off.

* Except he isn't terrifying, is he? We used to think he was: The Big Clunking Fist, and all that. Now he's just a slack-jawed non-decision maker who doesn't have the courage of his own convictions - if, indeed, he has any convictions.

Taxi for The Tired Man, please, barman.

May 10, 2008

x

May 10, 2008

Kakistocracy, noun
Government by the worst citizens

"So, erm, Zeds?"

"Yes?"

"That Gordon Brown?"

"Yes, Nipper?"

"He's cack, isn't he?"

"In a very wobbly-jawed way, my friend."

May 9, 2008

May 9, 2008

"After 11 years of Labour, Britain leads the world in abortion, teenage pregnancy, family breakdown, burglary, spy cameras, speed cameras, parking fines, wheel-clamping, dustbin fines, green taxes, fuel taxes, stealth taxes, superbugs, binge-drinking, drug-taking, stabbing and social disorder.

"We may not have much in the way of engineering or manufacturing, but we can boast the planet's highest concentration of public sector inspectors, equality monitors, risk assessors, transgender advisers, climate change warriors, outreach co-ordinators, diversity managers, streetscene officers, traffic wardens, elf 'n' safety enforcers, five-a-day fascists, recycling Nazis and yuman rites lawyers."

Richard Littlejohn today. Brilliant.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/columnists/columnists.html?in_article_id=564931&in_page_id=1772&in_author_id=322&in_check=N

May 9, 2008

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=564764&in_page_id=1770

Marvellous.